Ep10: Begin Again

I published my first full-length novel Once More in the summer of 2018. Four years of work finally complete. I had big dreams for that novel. Big fat audacious dreams. Dreams that no one could convince me were crazy.

Until none of them came true.

We could sit here and analyze all the reasons why, but that would be boring for literally everyone except me. And frankly, I'm tired of thinking about it. I'm tired of second-guessing. I'm tired of not being as proud of my accomplishment as I really should be. Sometimes when a dream gets too big and it just doesn't come through, it kicks the wind right out of you. It did for me anyway.

That's one reason why working on the next book in the series became too hard. It felt pointless. The words seemed worthless. The work was meaningless. It was all less than it had been before.

Eventually, all work on The Sayen Falls series came to a halt. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't write anymore. My characters stayed with me. They're with me every minute of every day. If you've ever seen the movie The Man Who Invented Christmas about Charles Dickens writing A Christmas Carol I am here to tell you that is legitimately how it works. The characters appear, they follow you around, and sometimes they even heckle you. Mine are typically too kind for that though. They just spew ideas and plot twists at me. They don't understand that I gave up.

Yes, I gave up. There I finally said it. I gave up on the big dreams and therefore I gave up on all of it. I've worked on other things--this blog and podcast, for example. I've tinkered with other ideas and projects. But the thing that I love, writing fiction, I gave up.

But the name of this episode is "Begin Again" so there's gotta be a plot twist here, right? Of course there is, or else I couldn't have named the episode "Begin Again."

Actually, that's not entirely true. I planned this episode last week, right after I wrote the one about beginning new things. I had this whole deep awesome conversation with Marybeth about not just beginning new things, but beginning again. Picking up things you used to do and doing them again. We talked about how hard that can be. She said that it can be really hard to be bad at something you used to be good at. Building that momentum to get good at something again can feel so pointless.

But, my friends, sometimes you just have to big fat do it anyway.

Begin again when it feels too hard. Begin again when it hurts. Begin again when the voices inside your head tell you that it's pointless or worthless or meaningless. Begin again even if you gave up. Begin again when the seasons of life change and you have time again. Begin again because beginnings are always worth it.

When I mentally drafted this episode my own writing had nothing to do with it. I planned on talking about muscle memory and making this grand metaphor. I had no intention of talking about Sayen Falls and Once More and the new book Mend. But those characters finally got their way. Their voices finally got too loud. The cup of inspiration finally got too full and I had to spill out what was inside.

Let me explain.

I wrote Once More absolutely drunk on inspiration. I soaked up so many stories, both written and filmed, and used it to fuel my own narrative. Really, I was driven to write a counter-narrative. In a culture that produces so many stories about hopelessness, depravity, brokenness, and shame, I wanted to craft a story of hope. And not like Hallmark hope where it's all okay because, by golly, it snowed just in time for Christmas and we saved Grandpa's tree farm-slash-ski lodge and fell in love with the lumberjack next door. No, I wanted to write something more substantive. Something about community, friendship, family, and relationships. Something that felt like God was in the pages, even if I didn't club anyone over the head with Jesus Juke. [Please note: I'm all for clearly sharing the gospel! I also however cringe whenever Christian fiction has the token come to Jesus moment and then everything is rainbows and unicorns.] 

Despite the fact that all my wildest dreams are still unrealized, I think I did do what I set out to do. I wrote a story brimming with hope.

And, as I chase my own healing these days, I find the story of hope coming back to me. That thread of inspiration is finding its revival. It's not about what didn't happen anymore. It's about the story left to tell, the hope left to be imparted.

When I wrote Once More it was often the darker movies that brought about the most urgency for me to write. I don't do twisted or horror movies, so we can set that aside. But those nitty gritty dramas that are artsy and beautiful but also horribly bleak....yeah those, I'd binge watch those and then I couldn't write fast enough.

The other night my husband and I went to the movies. We saw Knives Out. This movie isn't horribly bleak or terribly depressing. In fact, it's overall message is a pretty good one and it's also pretty funny. No spoilers. But something about it sparked that same frenzy to write. Maybe it's because it was so well-written itself. Maybe it's because I just love Chris Evans and something about chiseled jawlines seems to help me write.

But it's more likely that it's because just the day before, while running on the treadmill, I had this crazy good idea for some of my characters. And in that same moment, I set my younger selves free from the burdens they were left with.

Does anyone else ever feel that way? You look back at the younger versions of you and realize they were left holding the bag? My kids found some pieces and parts to old show choir costumes the other night which led to us watching a video of a performance my junior year. My kids barely recognized me as seventeen-year-old me sang and twirled around the stage. I recognized me, but I couldn't reconcile her to myself now. It left me almost haunted.

That seventeen-year-old girl was such a complicated person. In some ways, so vibrant and confident and optimistic. But in so many other ways, riddled with insecurity, desperate for attention, and so afraid of what people thought of her. Man, that last one has sure stuck around for awhile. That didn't leave with the teenage angst like some of the other baggage.

I got on the treadmill after we watched that video. I was probably motivated by seeing myself about a million pounds lighter. But as I ran, and I sang along to one of my favorite tunes by the East Pointers, "If You're Still In, I'm In" I realized I could set that girl free. I could tell her that even though things were going to hurt really bad and life would sometimes look really bleak, she makes it.

I made it. I'm now thirty-five years old and while I don't look very much like that rail-thin teenager, I have done amazing things. I have given birth to two humans who need me and love me very much. I married a man I admire, adore, and respect. I completed college and held down jobs and made friends and lost friends and made new friends. I started ministries from scratch and stepped into place in other ones. I wrote a novel. That's one the seventeen-year-old me would be thrilled to know.

Yes, dear, you actually write a novel. You finish it. You publish it and let people read it.

And so somehow, in the mix of self-healing and movie magic and an overactive imagination riddled with noisy characters, that cup of inspiration filled to over-flowing. After our date night, we came home, got the kids in bed, and I cracked open the laptop. I opened a fresh page and I wrote. For the first time in months, I didn't worry about if it was good, or if anyone would like it, or if it would ever win prizes. I just wrote the words, I set the scene, I told the story. When I got tired, I stopped.

And as I blinked, bleary-eyed at three pages worth of story-telling I realized.

I began again.

Just like Marybeth had said, it can be hard to begin again. It's hard to be bad at something you were good at. Let me tell you, writing a rough draft after spending well over a year simply polishing a complete draft is brutal. The nuance is gone. It's all rough hewn and full of splinters.

But if I don't write this story, no one will. And if I don't choose to beat the drum of hope in a culture obsessed with our own darkness, then who will? If I just give up, then who wins? Not me. I don't even have a shot anymore. I'm not even in the arena. Hiding at home under the covers, no one wins.

Begin again. Whatever it is. Maybe it's eating healthier or working out. Maybe it's painting or pottery or puppetry. Maybe it's playing an instrument or writing music or dancing. Maybe it's restoring furniture or cars or relationships. Maybe it's believing in yourself and giving your dreams new life. It's really okay if they didn't work out the first time. Begin again and maybe the dream will be attainable this time.

If you gave up like me, that doesn't have to be the end. If life got super busy, that's okay. I stopped writing for six months when I had my daughter. Who can write a novel with a newborn crying at you and a preschooler wanting to tell you things night and day? Begin again when the time comes. And if you're afraid, overwhelmed, or exhausted at the thought, you're not alone. We all are sometimes. Simply begin again. No one's asking you to climb the whole mountain. Just take that step.

And if you're wondering why? Like, why does any of this inspirational hooey really matter? I'll tell you. The things we choose to do reflect what we really believe. If we choose to create, cultivate, or celebrate we believe that there is more than darkness and busyness. If we choose to use our talents, gifts, and passions to the best of our abilities, we believe that we were given those things for a real reason. And we were. God gives us our gifts, talents, and passions. God directed us to create, to cultivate, and to celebrate. It's all through the scriptures. Pursuing a passion is not silly--it's God glorifying, darkness defying, potentially edifying, and arguably sanctifying.

Moses was a begin againer. He murdered an Egyptian, fled into the wilderness, and became a shepherd for like forty years before God spoke to him in the burning bush. Moses had his doubts about the assignment--after all, as if murdering someone wasn't enough, he had a speech impediment. But God insisted, and Moses began again.

Jonah was a begin againer. He outright defied God's directions to go to Nineveh, ended up in a dangerous storm at sea, was thrown overboard, and swallowed by a giant stinking fish. You wanna talk beginning again? Trying do that after you've been spit out on land after three days in the belly of a big fish.

Peter, good ol' Peter, was a begin againer. He denied Jesus three times on the night of Jesus's arrest. And Jesus heard him do it. From what we can tell, Peter gave up after the crucifixion. You can't really blame him. Watching your best friend be mercilessly murdered at the behest of the Jewish Sanhedrin and at the hands of Roman soldiers right after you denied knowing him is going to beat the living daylights out of all you believed in. But after three days, Peter was first inside the empty tomb, gobsmacked and confused. Peter was in the upper room when Jesus walked in, alive. And it was Peter who swam to shore that morning Jesus cooked his friends some fish for breakfast. And this was his "begin again" moment. Jesus asked him three times if Peter loved him, and each time Peter insisted that he did, Jesus told him to feed his sheep. Begin again, Peter. Begin again.

Now, if God can use a murderer with a speech impediment, a disobedient preacher vomited out of a whale, and impetuous, cowardly, confused Peter.....God can use you too. Your "begin again" moment might not feel like a big deal, but only God knows how it can be used to impact eternity.

Maybe my books never become best sellers. Maybe I never win the Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay, because duh, I write the script adaptation of my book. Maybe a lot of things never happen. But maybe someone finds some hope in my book Maybe someone finds Jesus tucked into the narrative I tell. And maybe that's enough to echo in eternity. I'll never know if I don't do it.

So, here's to beginning again. If I can begin again, so can you.

Gather the Good
I would be absolutely remiss if I didn't begin this Gather the Good segment with telling you about the song "Begin Againers" by Scott Mulvahill. He's an upright bass player and an increidble vocalist based in Nashville. Definitely check out that specific song, and his latest single, "Say I Love You". That one is just insanely beautiful. And if you like kinda jazzy, bluesy indie awesome music, listen to one of his full albums. He's got a really cool vibe and is another one of those really skilled musicians that just blow my mind.

I'm also going to tell you about two audiobooks I've been listening to. Remember how I said I don't really do audiobooks? Well, plot twist, I've listened to three this year. The first was Little Women and I keep meaning to do a whole episode on that, so we'll see if that comes together sometime. But today I want to tell you about the other two books. My amazing friend Jill recommended the book You're the Girl for the Job by Jess Connely to me. This book is the real deal. She's frank and honest, and so empowering but in this totally solid Jesus way. I'm still listening to it and haven't finished it yet, but it's a really great book if you're beginning something new, or beginning again, or even just struggling to keep going.

And the other book, oh goodness, this book has been incredible. It's Beth Moore's newest book Chasing Vines. I struggle to find words to adequately describe this book that doesn't just morph into senseless fan girling. I'll try though. Beth uses the imagery of grape vines and vineyards, and dives really deep into all the ways this imagery applies to us. It's been mind-blowing. And in all the cliches, I've laughed, I've cried, but I have seriously had so much food for thought. And I've had so much awe for our God. He's so thoughtful, so intentional, and only he plan and redeem history over and over again, and weave a grape vine through it all to symbolize everything he's doing! I have deeply appreciated her honesty and vulnerablity, her candor and frankness, and her humor and humility. I will be listening to this one again, and very likely buying a physical copy so I can mark it all up.

So there ya go, some upright bass music with Scott Mulvahill, some Jesus-filled empowerment with Jess Connely's book You're the Girl for the Job, and some crazy good grape truth with Beth Moore's book Chasing Vines. This is some serious goodness, definitely check it out.

The Pursuit of Beginnings (Ep9)

Be brave enough to be bad at something new.

It's hard to begin sometimes. The desire is there. We're inspired by experts, convicted by our shortcomings, or simply want to do a new thing. The desire is essential. But then fear can set in.

What if I'm terrible? What if I just can't change? Or learn?

And the excuses come a mile a minute.

There's no time. There's no space. There's no one to teach me. I can't figure this out, I'm not artistic...I'm not athletic....I'm not creative....I'm not disciplined....I'm not whatever.

Sometimes the thing we wanted to do dies there. An unrealized dream, hope, or hobby shriveling up on the vine. Other times that thing seems to haunt us.

It pops up in conversations, in memes on social media, on podcasts and blog posts, and it's all over Pinterest. Maybe the internet is stalking you, but it's highly unlikely your favorite podcaster has actually tapped your conversations. It just feels that way because they're talking about the thing. You know, the thing you only mentioned to your friend. Or not to anyone at all.

Then what do you do?

You begin. And guess what? You're usually terrible!

Don't stop there.

If a seed gave up the moment it was planted because it was terrible at being a flower, we would never have fragrant blooms. If a caterpillar just rolled over and gave up before it even got inside the chrysalis, we'd never have butterflies flitting around. If Shakespeare and Beethoven and Van Gogh had just stopped when they were learning how to read, to play, to paint because it was more ink blots, sour notes, and paint blotches than masterpiece we'd never have Romeo and Juliet, or "Ode to Joy" or Starry Night.

True, you may never become a master. But you'll never be anything if you quit right out of the gate.

Oh, and the naysayers, the people who are "only teasing", or the ones who straight up criticize you, forget 'em. Dont let those words take root. It'll crowd out the seeds you're planting. Don't let their fear of something new or different or good become your reason to be afraid.

After all, everyone was once a beginner. And God loves a beginner with enough grit to keep at it. Need some evidence?

Jesus's mama was an unwed virgin, a total beginner in both marriage and motherhood. God could've picked a seasoned mother of six or seven, but he didn't. He picked Mary.

Samuel was just a child when God started speaking to him. And He didn't start with something easy either like, "Go tell Eli that he's gonna win the lottery tomorrow." No, it was "Go tell Eli that his sons will die because they have defiled the priesthood and you looked the other way." Yikes. But Samuel the newbie was faithful and God anointed kings and delivered many a message through him.

And then there's Peter. Peter is maybe the most beginnery beginner to ever begin. Impetuous, impulsive, and sometimes a little dense, he was a brand new recruit when Jesus called him as a disciple. Peter was a fisherman. He'd never followed a rabbi before. And yet Jesus chose him. He taught him, rebuked him when needed, and loved him so entirely that Peter eventually went on to change the world with the gospel of Christ.

Yeah, God's okay with beginners. Even beginners who are terrible. We can't all be Samuel and hit it out of the park on the first try. Some of us are more like Peter.

And maybe your thing isn't religious, it's not spiritual, it doesn't seem like a Jesus thing at all. Perhaps it's not. Or perhaps you're not looking at it from the right angle.

Are you interested in something artistic or creative? God gave us beauty to nourish our souls and our senses. He is the Creator and made us creators in his image. Embroidery, sketching, painting, sidewalk chalk....if you're making something beautiful you are doing what God would do.

Are you interested in something more athletic? God created the human body to run, jump, play, explore, combat, and adventure. He gave us muscles to flex and energy to expend. When we engage our bodies, we're using the very thing be created out of dust and breathed life into. This can even be worship.

Are you interested in cooking? God gave us taste buds and filled the world with all sorts of different things to taste and see that it is good. Jesus himself prepared a breakfast of fish for his friends after his Resurrection. If Jesus takes a minute to prepare a meal for his friends, your newfound interest in culinary arts can certainly be a God thing.

Are you interested in organization and order? Yes, even that can be a God thing. After all, He is the God of order and not of chaos. He built structure and design into the universe and all the minituiae within. Your newfound hobby for organizing or spreadsheets is a reflection of God.

My friend, whatever it is, I challenge you to go after it. Even if it feels silly. Even if it feels unimportant. Even if you've tried before and failed.

2020 is supposed to be the year I explore the word "new". I'm working on it and it's already quite intriguing and inspiring. But, it also seems to be the year I learn to do things I always thought I couldn't do. I'm running and exercising even though I'm not athletic. I'm slowly teaching myself to sketch, even though I'm not artistic. I keep drawing these quirky pictures of woodland animals who stand upright and play folk instruments. I don't care if it's not picture book perfect yet or if anyone thinks it's silly or weird. I'm learning a new thing. And in the spring, I want to plant a garden.

(Side note: You can stand by for A Secret Garden episode in the spring because I can't even daydream about planting a garden without songs from the musical bursting in. What? You didn't know there was a musical based on The Secret Garden? Well, you will if I get the chance to monologue about it here.)

But I don't have a green thumb and everything I plant typically dies for lack of care or proper understanding. Still, this year, the imagery of seeds, roots, and growth keeps pounding like an unrelenting drum. And I just feel like this is one of those interactive metaphors from God. One of the ones you gotta literally dig into to get the full fruit of it.

So 2020 the year of new, the year of doing things I cannot do, the year where I can't be afraid to be bad at something new, or just stop because it's hard and I'm bad at it.

Join me in the pursuit of beginning. It's always better to know you're not alone in the pursuit of new things and being bad at them. And it's even better when the work pays off, and you can say you conquered the new thing. You can do it now.

Next week, we'll talk about what happens when you fall off the horse and need a break.

Gather the Good

In this episode, my best friend Marybeth gave us her take on Gather the Good. She shares about the beauty of deep conversation, experiencing live music, adventuring in the mountains, and photo journaling. Goodness is everywhere, we just have to gather it!

Ep7: Running, Roots, and Ruts: Tales from a Treadmill

"You shall find this to be God's most usual course, not to give his children the taste of his delights, til they begin to sweat in seeking after them."-- Richard Baxter, English poet and theologian 1615-1691

I've recently started running everyday on our treadmill. It's a hand me down twice removed. We picked it up from my parents so my husband could prepare for the stress echo test which he needed to return to work this January. I think we got it in maybe October. That seems right. And from then until January I was on the thing three times. My husband used it thirty minutes every single day to build his endurance. I admired his dedication and tenacity. I envied the time he had each day to do this thing that was good for him. Sometimes it can be so hard to plant a flag and stake a claim for things that are good for you.

After he returned to work, I decided it was time to get the kids and myself on a schedule too. I'm not a really scheduly person so when I use that word know that it's very loosely. Furthermore, I decided I was going to use that treadmill. I set a goal of just ten minutes every day. I know, that seems so low, so minimum, but I figured it was better to do something than nothing. My counselor has been encouraging me to set goals, the physical one hadn't even left the gate yet. And she told me that a few minutes every day was a good starting place. Goals don't always have to be big. Sometimes it's even better if goals are simple if they're realistic.

Most days it's between fifteen and twenty minutes, usually once a week I hit thirty minutes. And when I say "run" know that it's as loosely as I say "schedule". I do run some. Sometimes I jog. Sometimes I do thirty-sixty second bursts then cool down and repeat. Thanks to Pinterest I discovered this is what they call sprinting or HIIT which I don't remember what that stands for. I'm really not a guru here. Fitness has never been my thing.

In fact, it always felt like this thing that wasn't for me. I was naturally underweight up until I had kids. And it really wasn't until after my second child, my girl, that I struggled with any kind of weight gain. Or emotional eating. On top of that, being a tall gangly girl who errors a bit on the geeky side made gym class and sportsing intimidating. I'm not a natural athlete or dancer or anything. I'm a bookworm and a nerd. Maybe some people can be both nerdy and athletic. I'm not asserting they're mutually exclusive, except for me.

And so working out has always felt like this thing where I didn't belong. I remember being asked over and over again by friends in college to join them at the rec center for anything from cycling to some game with a ball (I don't even remember the name. 🤦), and 99.8% of the time I refused. I was horribly self-conscious. I was afraid of being teased for not playing well. I was afraid of looking stupid for not knowing how to use equipment. I was afraid of how weak I was and not being able to keep up. I was afraid of a lot of things above and beyond anything the rec center offered.

That's probably why it took me so long to get on the dumb treadmill once it came to live with us. My husband is a natural athlete. Not a super jock, but confident and fairly skilled at the normal baseball, basketball, and so on. It seemed appropriate for him to run. That's his zone. Me? I'll just stick to my nerd stuff.

But, you see, I felt like I had to do something different. I needed to at least try. I'm starting to not recognize myself in a way. Becoming a mother is an incredible gift and is insanely beautiful. However, it's also demanding and challenging, and it can be very taxing on mental health. My pregnancy with my daughter was particularly intense. The damage to my mental health was profound. Now, to be accurate, there were other factors beyond the pregnancy, like my grandmother passing, but those nine months and the post-partum period left a mark. Anxiety and depression like to throwdown and see who can bring me to my knees first. Perhaps motherhood is hard because it triggers so much from the past that was never addressed. And the years of sleep deprivation, the change in identity (loss of a sense of self and becoming known only as someone's mom), lifestyle changes, the mommy wars and all the mom guilt. Oh man, the mom guilt just drips right off the walls sometimes, right ladies?? If we're honest and vulnerable, most moms I know wrestle with some anxiety or depression, or at least frequent worry and guilt.

And so I cope as most women I know cope. Particularly with food, television, and social media. Mostly harmless things, except when it's really about burying deep the things you don't want to face.

I finally sought counseling for myself this past fall. Heaven knows I should've done it at least a decade ago. I've been digging deep. I've been working hard at altering thought patterns. Patterns I've had for so many years the ruts in my brain are like the ones left by the covered wagons on the Oregon Trail. Permanent. Indelible. It often feels like pretty things might grow up around them, but the ruts will always remain part of the terrain.

Until I started running. Now, I'd heard tell about the runner's high and endorphins and all that chemical stuff. I've read the articles about fighting depression with exercise about a zillion times. But remember, that's not for me. That works for the sportsy people but us bookworms just have to be morose.

So imagine my surprise when I felt better on the inside after logging a mile on the treadmill. I didn't trust it at first. Then, after a couple days, I was kinda obsessed.

And then last week I didn't sleep well at all and I couldn't find my rhythm. One day it was so rough I really thought I was going to injure myself. But I didn't quit. I didn't decide that all my previous assumptions were correct. I decided to keep at it. Every day.

And I added some Rend Collective to my playlist.

Oh, yeah, my playlist. That's an integral part of this whole thing. I've created this playlist I cleverly called 'Move' on Spotify. It started out with The East Pointers. Their new album was basically written for people to dance to so it translates well to running/sprinting/whatever. I, of course, added some We Banjo 3 because their music is a permanent part of my being. A few random other songs have been thrown in including one by Mr. Rogers. He has this little tiny pep talk about growing just as you are and being yourself and being likeable. It never fails to make me smile when it loops on. I read smiling is good when working out because it triggers your brain's reward center. 🤷 I don't know. I told you I'm no guru.

Anyway, last week I added Rend Collective. Their music is high energy so it's great for running. But what I didn't expect was to actually worship while I'm on a treadmill. If you'd said that to me even a month ago, I would've made a snarky comment about fitness nuts and Jesus freaks while brushing cookie crumbs off my smart phone.

But I'm here to tell you, it's arguably the most powerful one-two punch against hidden strongholds of darkness I've found to date. And I've tried a lot. I've faced a lot of dark. Someone once described me as "clawing for the light". That was big dark that I could fight with broad brush strokes. Running seems to dig at the deeper things. The hidden pockets of darkness. The old broken thoughts that keep the wagon wheels in their ruts.

Literally, I had no idea that intentionally choosing to move and sweat and increase my heart rate, while also listening to worship music at an insanely high volume in my earbuds would give me the focus needed to actually hear the Lord speak to those ruts. The Lord is doing a work in my brain while I am doing the work of sweat. And I just keep thinking, this is insane. I still think it's nuts. But that doesn't mean it isn't true. Some of the craziest things I've experience with Jesus are the truest things I know.

Let's be real: not every session becomes this great worship time. Sometimes it's just good tunes, sweat, and endorphins which is all I signed up for anyway. Last Friday though was a doozy. That's why I decided to share this testimony to fitness and worship music and mental health.

I didn't plan it. The run started with the Maggie Rogers song "Light On" which is a super fun song but not spiritual by any means. At least not for me. Then, the playlist looped to The East Pointers. Their song "Wintergreen" has been a major source of empowerment for me since August when I saw them at the Dublin Irish Festival. The music kicked to their instrumental "Before My Time" and then I clicked through a bunch until it pulled up "Marching On" by Rend Collective. This. Song. This song!! This song has been a favorite for a couple years now. It's so fiercely bold in its theology and tempo. But there's this line about strongholds crumbling like sand and as I pounded my feet on the treadmill, it felt truer than it ever had before.

Those limitations I've carried all my life about not being an athletic person, the fears I have carried with me from elementary school to college and into adulthood about being less than and awkward and not belonging, the stronghold I've been chained to about not being enough for some people and too much for others and rarely ever getting it just right and failing at some many things I've tried and being rejected or abandoned or unwanted.....those things? Those things fall away when it's only me and my music on a treadmill in my wood-panneled den. I close my eyes and see chains bursting off, busted in pieces. I am free.

Back to Friday's playlist, after that song I was already at fifteenish minutes but I decided to go for ten more. I scrolled down to a pair of songs that I wanted to listen to together and conveniently totaled ten minutes. The first a song by The Arcadian Wild called "Roots" and the second a piece by Andrew Peterson called "The Sower's Song". And as I ran through these songs, I closed my eyes and beheld a different vision. I saw the big, deep, fat roots of a huge tree being hacked at with an axe. It was utter destruction. Violent and painful.

This is how I have felt for a long time. Perhaps not uprooted, but severely damaged at my roots. How can I grow strong and tall with roots all hacked to pieces?

The only way is with Jesus. He's the sower, the gardener who is faithful to plant new seeds, to tend His vines, to nurture branches back to health. Thats how. That's it.

And check this, on Thursday night I had listened to a podcast with Annie F. Downs and Beth Moore about Beth's new book, Chasing Vines. They talked about vines, pruning branches, staying planted in Jesus, and continuing the work even when it feels so pointless and barren. They talked about the word "abide".

And do you remember a few weeks back I shared about my word for the year? Last year I was given the word "fallow" to consider. I've wrestled with it hard.

Guess what? All through those two songs by The Arcadian Wild and Andrew Peterson are the words fallow, seeds, vines, branches, abide, and void. Specifically that God's word and our brokkeness does not return void. Amen and hallelujah. It was like being pelted with cleansing, lifegiving rain over every inch of my barren achy soul.

I cried. And I kept running. I refused to stop just because I was crying. It freaked the heck out of my dog who isn't a big fan of his mama running on the loud machine anyway. But I kept going.

When the songs were over and ten minutes had passed, I needed just a little bit more. I thumbed to a different list and picked the last song. "A Benediction" again by The Arcadian Wild. This song is a recent obsession of mine. As the song played, I lifted my hands and began to sing.

This is why I don't run the whole time. Aside from the fact that I surely would die, I wouldn't be able to sing. And even though my dog really hates that because he's sure I've lost my marbles, I sing as much as I can. With my earbuds in, I don't even hear myself well. I'm not worried about sounding pretty. It's just getting the words out because the words matter.

"Wintergreen....can't outshine your radiance...or undermine your saliance, despite the darkness of some of these days....Certain spirits are too bright to be tamed..."

"We'll sing, "Hallelujah" for all Hell to hear. Shout out, "Hosanna" above every fear. Strongholds will crumble like castles of sand. We are marching on, we're marching on..."

"So put down your roots and I'll plant this fallow field of mine with you. Put down your roots. Together, we'll watch this desert bloom..."

"As the rain and the snow fall down from the sky. And they don't return but they water the earth and they bring forth life. Giving seed to the sower, and bread for the hunger.

So shall the word of the Lord be with a sound like thunder. And it will not return, it will not return void. It will not return, it will not return void. It will not return, it will not return void. We shall be led in peace and go out with joy..."

"When it seems you're all but drowning, may the water quench your thirsting. When the sun is nearly blinding, may you by it see everything as it was meant to be. Oh, wonder extraordinary. Made to wander free and fearlessly unto all eternity..."

I had no idea running would be this kind of good for me. That soul work would be done. That freedom could be found by running and never actually leaving my own house. A decision to move just ten minutes a day has come to mean so much more to me than just checking off a goal on a list. And I can't make the claim that I'll do this forever and always amen. But in this season, for this me, this is healing and health and growth. I had no idea but praise be, now I do. And now I've told you. If you're sitting on the sidelines, maybe it's time to begin. Find your thing, grab your earbuds, and take the freedom that is yours.

Gather The Good: 

Artist: The Arcadian Wild
Song: "A Benediction"
Album: Finch in the Pantry
Song: "Roots"
Album: The Arcadian Wild

Artist: Andrew Peterson
Song: "The Sower's Song"
Album: The Burning Edge of Dawn
(Bonus Rec: Resurrection Letters Vol 1)

Artist: The East Pointers
Song: "Wintergreen"
Album: Yours to Break

Bonus Music Recommendation
Artist: The Hunts
Album: Darlin oh Darlin

Episode 6: Freedom: A Poem in Free Verse

Freedom.
It's throwing off the can'ts
And shouldn'ts
And 'you have no business'
Chains you've carried for ages.

It's taking hold of all your pieces--
The past
The now
The what's ahead
The broken
The painful to the touch
The scarred parts
And the pretty parts
The places of wholeness
And fulfillment
And reconciling all as one
Living, dynamic, brave
Human

It's deciding that hard can be healthy
And sometimes
The path of least resistance
Only brings atrophy.

It's breathing deep
Of the perfume of Christ
Drinking deep and long
Of the fount of grace
It's savoring and feasting
On the bread of life--
Broken for you.

Broken to redeem your
Brokenness,
Broken so you might know
Wholeness,
Broken because love goes into
All the dark, cracked places.
It cannot help itself.

Love, true love,
Love like this
Is the healing.
And it only has it's
All-consuming, forever victorious power
Because it battled the dark,
Faced head-on the ravages of undiluted evil,
Bore every ounce of soul-wrenching pain,
And Love did it all so you might live.

You can breathe
The clean air of joy;
You can grow in
The verdant soil of Truth;
You can walk
In the warm sun of peace--
Though darkness looms,
Love fought so you can be free.

Freedom is seeing it all laid bare
And knowing it's there for you
And taking your place
In the family
Of the free
And redeemed.

Episode 5: Making Use of a Broken Gift

I figure it’s time to tell you a bit about myself since we’re a few episodes in and maybe not all of you know me in real life. Unfortunately, every attempt I make at writing this thing out turns into a list of labels. So, I’m just going to run with that and start with giving you some of my labels.

I’m a wife and mother. I’ve been married to my husband for eleven years, and we have two children. My seven year old son is very creative and imaginative, as well as energetic and a very sensitive soul. My daughter just turned four so she basically thinks she’s grown now and is ready to do everything. She’s super bossy, but also very nurturing and loves to take care of people. We also have a dog, can’t leave my furry boy out. We adopted Bode nine years ago as a rescue dog. He’s a total weirdo but he’s a good fit for our family that way.

I’m also a homeschooler. I never thought I would be. I always thought homeschoolers were weird so that was a big no for me. Then, when my son was preschool aged and we looked into programs, we found that we couldn’t afford it. So I started exploring the homeschool world. I was amazed by what I found. There are so many styles, curriculum choices, and research which shows how beneficial homeschooling can be. Now, clearly, I believe in it because we do it. That said, I don’t sit in judgment of anyone who makes a different education choice for their kids. Homeschooling can be really hard and there are days I question my own choices (insider info: all homeschoolers question their sanity at some point. We’re not filled with everlasting patience for our own children all the time). But I do really love having the extra time with my kids, the opportunity to be creative in our learning, and being able to pursue any interests and passions we uncover. Maybe someday I’ll do a whole episode about homeschooling to debunk some myths or offer encouragement for those who are interested, but today is not that day, so we’ll move on.

I’m also a Christian. Now when I say Christian, I realize that can be a loaded term. I do not mean someone who just goes to church or who follows a bunch of rules or hates people. I don’t hate people. I’m not very good at following rules (I have a big fat sin nature just like everyone else) and while I do go to church, I don’t think that makes me a better person that someone who does not. When I say Christian I mean that there came a point in my life where I realized things were pretty messed up and I needed Jesus. It also means that in my darkest moments and hardest seasons, I’ve not been alone. I seriously have to tell you guys about the fireflies of 2016 someday….but today is not that day, so we’re moving on again.

I am also an author. And being an author is what led me to this podcast. Let me give you the backstory.

When I was in third grade I had this wonderful teacher. Her name was Mrs. Morris. She has since passed away after a battle with cancer. But I was lucky enough to have her. She was like one of those teachers you find in story books. She was young and pretty and full of life. She had new ideas and ways of doing things. She wasn’t afraid to be a little outside the box and she encouraged us to be a little outside the box too. I still remember her reading Charlie and the Choclate Factory aloud to us. And I remember she had these stations set up in the classroom. One was a reading station with a big carpet and some big squishy teddy bears and bean bags where we could just curl up and read. Now, I’ve loved books and stories for longer than I can remember so anytime I’ve ever been encouraged to just sit and read, it’s been my favorite. But Mrs. Morris also had writing stations. We would write in our spiral notebooks about all kinds of things. They could be lilke journal entries or short stories or just telling her what our plans were for the weekend---cause you know, eight year olds have some great weekend plans. And she would write in the margins all manner of encouragement and feedback to nurture our writing. She also had each of us write our own book. She made cardboard covers and put blank pages inside so each of us could write and illustrate our own story. Mine was called The Old Horse in the Beat-Down Stable. It sounds so bleak, doesn’t it? I still have it somewhere. I was so proud of my story and it lit a tiny spark of passion for writing.

Fast forward to 11th grade, English Lit with Mrs. Clark. I knew by then that I really loved reading, especially old classics but it was in her class that I realized I was different. We were studying couplets and while most of my classmates needed a minute to figure them out, I seemed to be getting it instantly. This was the moment I realized not everyone was like me and I was good at something. And I don't care who you are or what your thing is--if it's couplets from English poetry or trigonometry or fixing cars or styling hair--when you have that moment when you discover a talent, skill, or strong interest, it's a good moment. And that was one of my moments. Also, in this class, Mrs. Clark had us each write an allegorical short story. We had just studied Jonathan Swift and learned how he used allegory to make political points through story. I wrote a short story for this assignment that I absolutely loved. In fact, I turned it into a full length novel by the end of my freshman year of college. Then it morphed into a full series. Actually, for the next ten years, I continued tinkering with the story until it became this huge, unwieldy thing that didn't make much sense any more. Characters kept changing, the idea of what it was really about kept evolving, there were fairies at one point. It was a lot. But it kept the passion for writing alive and active in me.

However, there have been times when the writing stops, when the part of me that is a writer seems to go to sleep. It's usually because of excessive busyness, or sometimes it's because it feels like it doesn't matter so I should just watch TV, but whenever I stop writing, it's like I'm missing something that is inherent and essential to being me.

There was a gap for a few years when I stopped. Life was breakneck busy after my son was born. I was transitioning from working full time to being a stay at home mom and I also ended up leading our church's youth group in our living room. I had a blog then I posted in sometimes, and I wrote my own youth lessons most of the time, but that was it. I wasn't really writing. For two years, I didn't work at all on my novels.

Then, when my son was two, I realized I needed something that was just mine. I loved being a mom, but it's so demanding. And my boy as a two year old was an absolute dynamo from the moment he woke up to when I finally convinced him to fall asleep at night. And not only was I exhausted, but I had lost a sense of self. It was like I was a mom who was supposed to do mom things and think mom thoughts and just have mom feelings. And wife feelings too. But there was nothing left for me. So my husband and I talked and agreed I should have a night every week to do whatever I wanted. We didn't have a lot of money then so I didn't want to just do shopping sprees and I didn't have a lot of friends then so I couldn't just go out with the girls (plus, my friends were all busy too). I did, however, have a laptop, and there was an amazing coffee shop nearby. We lived outside of Bowling Green, Ohio then and in Bowling Green there is a coffee shop called Grounds for Thought that has not only coffee and a really good chai latte, but used books. Tons and tons and tons of used books. So I would grab my laptop, order a big mug of chai, get a donut with strawberry icing, and settle in to write.

The novels I had been messing around with since high school were unusable. It was all nonsense at that point that no amount of editing could unravel. But there were a few fantastic characters worth air-lifting into a new book. I changed their names and decided to start anew. Yet, when I opened that new Word document and bright shiny white page was staring back at me, I had no idea how to start. It's very intimidating to sit down and try to just write a book. So I decided to just start with a single scene and whatever characters came to mind. In my mind's eye, I could see a grandfather and his adult granddaughter. They were outside in a plaza. My hometown, Cuyahoga Falls, has this riverfront area with stores and a cobbled streets. That's where I saw them. And the granddaughter was in a hot pink vintage party dress. And as I crafted the scene what bubbled to the surface was how much they adored each other. These characters were based on my own grandfather and me, although I don't own a fabulous pink party dress and my PapPap was a man of much fewer words. But this relationship gave shape to a brand new story. It was a launch point.

I took my laptop to Grounds for Thought every week for months. I pounded away at a rough draft morning, noon, and night in spare moments. I stayed up to two or three in the morning. I finished it on my thirtieth birthday. It would be three more years before the final draft was finished and ready for publication. It took four years in total.

I published that book in 2018. It was the first novel in the Sayen Falls series, and it's title is Once More. It's basically my third baby. But as I said, Sayen Falls is a series. There are four novels in total. Or there will be. When I published Once More, I assumed I'd start right away on the next one. I have the entire story arc in my head. I have the story arc for the whole series in my head. I can tell you who gets married, who has babies, what everyone argues about, what kind of tea they drink for breakfast. The trouble is, I can't seem to get it to come out of my head and onto the page.

Every time I try, what comes out isn't good. I suppose it's a form of writer's block and I've analyzed it six ways from Sunday. It feels like my words--the words I've had since third grade--have dried up and gone away. Every now and then there's a cloudburst and I can write something good and beautiful. It just never lasts for long.

And so I've tried to give this gift back to God. Here you go, it's broken and I can't use it anymore. The
trouble with that is that God doesn't accept returns and he doesn't make exchanges. He gently hands it back to me, in his own way, and tells me that he doesn't give gifts that are broken and he doesn't give gifts just so I can hand them back and say I don't want this. He gives gifts so we use them, even when it's hard, and when it doesn't flow, and even when you feel crazy doing it. If it's a gift, you're meant to use it.

So that's where I am. I'm simply trying to be obedient to use what I have. I don't want to be the guy who buried his talent in the ground because he didn't have any better ideas and fear stopped him from making better choices. I might not be the five talent guy who gets the biggest return on his investment--and that's okay. Maybe, just maybe, I can be the three talent guy who used what he had and didn't compare himself to the five talent guy and didn't give up like the one talent guy, and had something to offer the master when he returned. I'd rather have something, even if it's small, than nothing.

And that's what i'm doing now. When writing the novels started to feel so strained, I turned my attention to blogging. In fact, that's where you find all of my show notes, so you can look around at the blog posts as well. But even that has felt so hit or miss and hard to do. Then, one day, I decided to try podcasting. I'm going to be very honest--I have no idea why. If writing wasn't working, it doesn't really make sense to think that talking will work. If the words are gone, then what in the world am I saying? Still, I did it anyway. And here we are.

In a way, I wish I fit into a nice little niche and could tell you that I'm always going to talk about motherhood or homeschooling or books, but I've never been good at pigeon holes. I'm also not sure that's what God has for me. He not only gifted me words, but a vivid imagination and a thirst for beauty and passion for an inspired life. It will all be used somehow, some way. As author Erma Bombeck said, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"

In the first episode I talked about Plotting Possibility and plotting a course. God is plotting the course here, the course of my life, the course of my story, and the course of this podcast. We're all in this together to see where we're going. I promise to be obedient and to use my gifts, and I hope and I pray that it's a blessing to you as we go together on this journey.

Gather the Good

Since this post is all about me, I thought I'd just tell you about a few of my favorite things in the entire world. These are really just a few random things that I truly love and I don't know when else I'll be able to talk about them.

My favorite vacation spot is Ocean City, New Jersey. In fact, it was the inspiration for Summerstead Isle in my novels. It's the perfect family vacation destination with beautiful beaches, a long boardwalk with miniatrue golf, amusement parks, and delicious food. If you ever go, you have to do Golden Galleon mini golf, grab a slice of Manco and Manco's pizza, and bike all the way to the end of the boardwalk to get some hot fresh donuts from Browns. It's worth the exercise.

My kids enjoying the ocean on our last night in OCNJ this past summer. 

The kids and husband playing skee ball on our first night in OCNJ. Only $0.10 a game!

The Music Pier reaching into the sea. 

That said, my favorite trip I've ever taken was to London and Ireland when I graduated high school. My uncle is a world traveler himself, and took my brother and me each on trips when we graduated. I got to pick so we trotted off for a week in London and a week in Ireland. I still look at the pictures all the time and tell the kids all about it like I was just there last week (It's been 16 years). It's true that the Irish are the friendliest people ever. And London is an amazing city. Someday I must go back.

18 year old me on The London Eye

While I was there, I got to go to the Globe Theater where Shakespeare's plays were first performed. Now, I'm actually not a total geek for Shakespeare but I do have a soft spot for him. His writing comes up quite a bit in my own actually. The title Once More is from a quote in Henry V, "once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!" The Hollow Crown series is excellent. It stars Jeremy Irons and Tom Hiddleston, but also Michelle Dockery (think: Lady Mary from Downton Abbey) has a supporting role. It's pretty amazing to watch Scar, Loki, and Lady Mary do Shakespeare. But my very favorite play of all time is Much Ado About Nothing. The title for the second novel, Mend, is from a quote in that play. "Serve God, love me, and mend." I absolutely insist you watch the Kenneth Branagh version from the 90s. It was my first real introduction to Shakespeare when I was about 14 or so, and I love it as much now as I did then.

My last bit of goodness for today, the Cuyahoga Valley National Parks. As I said, I grew up in Cuyahoga Falls and as a teenager, my friends and I regularly went to the valley to hike and talk about our cute boys and feelings and other things that were important to us. I sorta thought everyone had a valley nearby for doing such things, but when I went to college, in the flattest county in Ohio, I realized that's not so. I desperately missed my green, twisty, windy valley in the ten years I lived in very flat, very straight lined Wood County. If you're an outdoorsy type, or ever find yourself in the Cleveland-Akron area with a few hours and nothing to do, you must drive into the valley and explore. And if you can go in the fall, enjoy how golden everything becomes as the sun pours through golden leaves. It's good stuff.

Show Notes Ep4: The Book Episode!

I read close to 60 books in 2019.  This was a huge lifestyle change for me. For the last seven years, I usually read maybe 3-5 books the entire year. I read Book Girl by Sarah Clarkson and it absolutely reignited my desire to read AND gave me some good ideas on how to fit more reading time in. It's not a competition; I know people who have read twice or triple this amount this year, I know people who have read just a couple books. Who cares, as long as you're reading and enjoying it! 

If you want some tips, here's what I found that helped me. 

• Only read what you want to. I have a stack of unfinished books; some I'll eventually complete and others I won't. Life's too short to read a book for pleasure that doesn't actually give you any pleasure.
• I started reading a chapter in the morning and a chapter at night. The morning chapter eventually stopped because of the kids and life (and honestly, its easier to scroll my phone). But it helped me get a ton of reading in. 
• Speaking of phones, let's talk screens. They're everywhere and we love them because it's easy and sometimes because it's mindless. But if you really want to boost your reading, reduce your screen time. I basically stopped watching TV at night for six months or so, and I read forty books or more as a result. And when I was reading instead of scrolling Facebook, I read even more. 
• But phones can be helpful if you put books on them! I use the Libby app which I got through Overdrive. Now, I tend to go hot and cold with ebooks. I'll read three or four and then none for months. I like having something to read wherever I am, I like it as an alternative to social media, and I'm often able to borrow a book quicker than requesting the physical copy from my library. 
• Audiobooks are also a great way to get in some extra reading. Studies show that listening to an audibook is just as good for your brain as reading it physically.
• For a while I was using some bullet journal tracking pages that really motivated me to read. I used graph paper to chart every chapter read. I wrote the title and author of each book then numbered the squares for however many chapters the book has. If there was an introduction, prologue, epilogue and so on I used the first letter of the word instead of a number. Then, I'd color in the squares as I read. I also downloaded free from Pinterest a cute page with blank books to write in the titles of the books I finished. 
• I think the biggest thing for me was simply the desire to have more books and words in my life. I had become an author who didn't really read. I also could feel my attention span shrinking and my need for constant entertainment increasing. Reading books help your brain absorb, engage, connect, and expand in ways that screens simply don't. I wanted a healthier brain and I missed being a real book nerd, so I changed some habits and made it happen. 

Book Lists

So here's the deal, I created four categories for the books I read this year. And in those categories, I selected my favorite seven books. Why seven? Because that's what looked good in the Instagram layout. I'm actually going to slip in a few extras in these lists, but here are my top faves from 2019. Here is a link to the full book list on Goodreads if you'd like to find out more about each book. 

Fiction

1. The Scent of Water by Elizabeth Goudge
2. The Dean's Watch by Elizabeth Goudge 
3. A City of Bells by Elizabeth Goudge (yes, there's a real theme here.)
4. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by MaryAnn Shaffer and Annie Barrows
5. Belgravia by Julian Fellowes (being made into a series or movie or some such now). 
6. The Lost Book of the Grail by Charlie Lovett (I also read his books First Impressions and The Bookman's Tale. All quite good!) 
7. How to Find Love in a Bookshop by Veronica Henry
8. The Poet's Dog by Patricia MacLachlan (this is actually a chapter book for kids or tweens, but I really really enjoyed it. Sometimes it's nice to pick up a simple book with a beautiful story to tell.) 
9. Becoming Mrs. Lewis by Patti Callahan (This is one of the best books I read last year. And Lewis's stepson Douglas says that it's a pretty accurate portrayal of what happened.)
10. Green Ember by SD Smith 

Christian Non-fiction

1. Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren 
2. The Celtic Way of Prayer by Esther De Waal
3. A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller 
4. The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen 
5. The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness by Tim Keller
6. Jesus Among Other Gods by Ravi Zacharias 
7. Looking for Lovely by Annie F. Downs 

General Non-fiction

*This is maybe an inaccurate category title because several of the authors here are professing Christians who write with that worldview. But the topics of these books are not strictly theological or about "Christian living" so to speak. 

1. Different by Nathan Clarkson and Sally Clarkson
2. Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson
3. Caught Up in a Story by Sarah Clarkson (yes, they're all related). 
4. Book Girl by Sarah Clarkson (Read this book if you want more tips and inspiration for your reading life. It totally reinvigorated my own reading life!)
5. Brave Learner by Julie Bogart
6. Teaching from Rest by Sarah Mackenzie
7. Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh 
8. The Man Who Invented Christmas by Les Stanford

Books I Re-read This Year

1. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis 
2. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
3. "...And Ladies of the Club" by Helen Hooven Santmeyer
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (truthfully this was the first time I ever finished it and I totally loved it)
5. The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey
6. Misty of Chincoteague by Marguerite Henry 
7. The Birth by Gene Edwards 

Gather the Good

Two things that pair very well with books....tea and music! I'm a huge fan of loose leaf tea. My favorite company is Plum Deluxe. They have a blend that is perfect for reading....it's called Reading Nook! If you're new to loose leaf tea, don't be intimidated. All you need is some tea, an infuser, boiling water, and a mug.

And the perfect musical accompaniment is an album called Story Book Soundscapes by Joel Clarkson. Joel composed this album specifically to go with stories. It is an amazing soundtrack for reading. Pop in some earbuds, grab a good book, and a mug of hot tea and enjoy!!

Bonus mention: PBS Masterpiece's show Victoria. If you enjoy period dramas, you must try this show. It's a beautiful story telling of Queen Victoria's life. It's more or less accurate, from what I've read of that giant biography I'm planning to finish this year, but of course, it is television so there are some poetic liberties. I've binged watched each season several times. Definitely check it out!

Show Notes Ep3: Resolutions and New Things

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43: 18-19 NIV

Are you familiar with the one word for a year concept? The idea that you select one word or phrase to focus on for the year. To see what God reveals to you regarding this one word, to grow and mature through this focus. It could be joy or rest or connect or anything at all.

Truthfully I usually forget my word by March or add more or change in it. Im not very good at staying focused to just a single thing for a whole minute let alone an entire year. Last year I started with content and ended up adding both cultivate and fallow. I'm still pondering these ideas and probably will be for a while.

So because I'm not very good at this one word commitment I didn't think I'd bother this year. But then someone quoted a piece of scripture to me and it stayed in my head, rattling around and wanting to be unpacked.

Behold, I am making all things new.

At first, I considered exploring the word behold. It's a grand sounding word, but I once I started looking at it I disccovered it doesn't have much meat on the bone. So, I turned my attention to the word new.

I threw the word into my Bible app search engine and that's it. That's my word. New.

It feels like a dumb word to pick. Like, yeah, okay new, duh, what a concept. But I have this feeling there's something to be unpacked here that will have deep value. Maybe not to the whole world or anything, but to me.

And that's sorta the point of this whole one word thing. It's not about impressing people with how much you grow or know. It's about diving into something deep with Jesus and letting him teach you what you need to know. I'm not a relativist so I think His truths are truths absolutely. But I think what I need to mine out of the word new for 2020 will be deeply personal, and what you need to mine with the Lord will be personal to you. After all, God is a personal God.

I remember learning in a college course called Great Ideas that the God of Abraham was different from all other gods in the ancient world because he was personal. Abraham's God went with him, no one else's god would do that. It was unique and it made people incredulous. Someone like me who has grown up in the church and known Jesus all my life takes it for granted that God is a personal guy. Sometimes it becomes so familiar that it's just a line item in my religion rather than a truth that shapes my reality.

And then, this personal God, does something to remind me, to wake me up, to show me that He is paying attention and He knows me. The stories I could tell. Someday I'll have to tell you about the fire files of 2016. But in this case, he used words. Words spoken to me and His Holy Word. Words that propel me to seek out a fuller meaning to a familar word. Words that prompt me to think, to speak, to write. How fitting he should use words, he knows I love them.

In fact, I had intended to only use Isaiah 43:19 (See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland) but when I recorded it I didn't like how it sounded. So, I did what I should've done in the first place and I looked at the context. I pulled up the whole chapter and the verse directly in front of it says, forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. And just this morning, I was talking about how I tend to dwell on the past and so there isn't room for new things. Isn't God funny? I actually laughed when I read those words because this is just God telling me to let go of the past because he is doing a new thing.

So, that's my word. New. I'm launching with the concept of "new things" but God only knows where we're headed here.

Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.--Revelation 21:5-7

I also have 10 resolutions I've been mulling over. Ten resolutions that are really about taking care of myself, my mental health, my emotional health. Resolutions that aren't just about externals or meeting someone's standards or expectations, but what will actually help my soul receive this new thing God is doing.

1. I resolve to stop letting comparison pirate my joy. I am steering my ship, not anyone else. Not a friend, or another woman whose strengths are not my own, or a social media influencer. I'm the captain and comparison will have no power of mutiny in 2020. 
2. I resolve to do more things that bring me joy--without guilt, shame, embarrassment, or even permission. I'm allowed to indulge, to pursue, and to want experiences that fill my soul's cup with brightness. And I am a better person when I'm not longing but enjoying. 
3. I resolve to spend less time wishing and more time doing. After all, if there's anything the musical Into the Woods has taught me it's that wishes are not always what they seem. Contentment is wise, but must be cultivated and tended regularly. The act of doing, of being gives wishes the forward momentum toward growth while allowing the heart to be content just where it is. 
4. I resolve to give myself permission to be inadequate and imperfect. Additionally, I resolve to speak kindly to myself when I actually am inadequate and imperfect. If I wouldn't say it that way to a friend, I shouldn't say it to myself. And if I wouldn't expect an unattainable standard from a friend, I shouldn't from myself. 
5. I resolve to try new things, to keep at it when it's hard, and to ignore the numbers. Attempting a new thing is hard but it's the only way to grow. A child learns to walk, to talk,and to read by daring to try the new thing. When my son learned to walk there were hours of struggle and tears before victory. Now nothing holds him back. In my journey, there will be naysayers and critics, disappointments and frustrations. Those do not define me and success will be in just doing it. 
6. I resolve to take care of myself and to express my self better. These things so often overlap. I start to feel myself drowning in busyness, mental exhaustion, and general overwhelm but instead of asking for specific help or saying how I feel, I become distraught that no one is offering. What is obvious to me isn't obvious to others because they're focused on other things. And ultimately my self-care is my responsibility. If I need to take better care of myself, that's on me. And if I need to express myself better, that's on me too. 
7. I resolve to be resilient and gracious when life gets hard. There's no question of if but only when the struggles will arrive. And the real questions isn't how to avoid or end them, but how do I handle it? Freak out, despair, rapid fire text whining? Or deep breaths, prayers unceasing, and rationally trusting in El-Roi, the God who sees? And in His seeing, He knows just what to do and when. 
8. I resolve to read more books, drink more tea, bake more scones. Simple pleasures that help me remember how to breathe deep, to savor slowly, to unwind gently. 
9. I resolve to be the mom I want my kids to have. Imperfect because illusions of perfection don't serve them any more than they energize me. But happy and full of faith and unafraid. A mom who models humility and honestly needs Jesus. A mom is who is with them and for them. 
10. I resolve to reach out more than I withdraw; to create more than I destroy; to hope more than I despair; to welcomes tears of sadness and laughter, both can cleanse the dark parts that build up in my soul. I resolve to keep going, to keep loving. I resolve to let 2020 be what it will be and I will learn more of how to be me. 

Gather the Good

[This is not a verbatim transcript from the episode, but more of a recap of what I shared and links, of course, to check it out yourself.]

Music: I finally checked out the worship album Rend Collective made for kids, Sparkle. Pop. Rampage. I had to clean my daughter's room and it took like three or four hours, so I turned on some new tunes to keep me company. I really didn't expect to like this album because now that I'm a 35 year old woman I don't usually love worship music written for kids. But since this is Rend Collective, the lyrics are still thoughtful and deep and important, but there's a little bit of silly and fun too. [Also, they're from Northern Ireland and it's worth listening to just to hear the couple bits where they talk.] 

Book: Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. I read this book last year and I plan on reading it again this year. It's a great book to read at at new year or a new chapter in your life or a new season. Each chapter discusses a theme or  issue people, especially women, have in taking full ownership of their own life. She uses the phrase "agency" a lot to explain how we really do have choices and can decide how busy we want to be, how to handle issues, and how to really take ownership of your life. It's a very empowering book. There are questions at the end of each chapter if you like to journal and interact with a book that way too. I highly recommend it! [Last year on her podcast Sally went chapter by chapter through the book as well which was also excellent. Her podcast is called "At Home With Sally". I don't have the specific episode numbers, but I can find them if you just leave a comment.] 

Show Notes: Ep 2 When The Christmas You Plan Isn't The Christmas You Get

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness, a light has dawned.--Isaiah 9:2

Looking around on social media and talking with friends, it seems to me that Christmas spirit is running a bit low this year. I think one reason Christmas feels so hard for some of us is because we want what we've been sold. And what we've been sold is the picture of a perfect, cozy holiday where all the hard things are shored up just in time for Christmas. In reality, hard things don't take off for the holidays. Stress, illness, divorce, brokenness can be deal with or overlooked for the sake of the day, but it isn't resolved. And we crave that resolution. We want what we've been promised and we want it with some twinkle lights and a red bow and some hot cocoa.

So what do we do? If you're me this year you complain. A lot. And then you have a breakthrough. What if all the hard is supposed to help us pare down? What if the struggle is designed to make us go slow?

In days gone by, when the church year organized daily life and the darkness of winter had greater impact, Advent was a time of reflection, resting, retreating before the big celebration. We've lost that over the centuries and I think something precious was stolen from us. The Christmas season now is so bustling full, there's no room for the real light to break through. And that's what we really need. That's what we were actually promised.

Humans haven't had perfection since Eden and the fall. Thought we've been duped with the image of it ever since. The false perfection only creates more anxiety, more isolation, more hunger. We must learn to let it go so we can hold the true perfection.

It came in the form of a baby boy. Helpless, wriggling, squishy, crying baby. The fullness of God, salvation, and the longed for perfection emerged from a woman's womb into a dark stable on a starlit night. It's a far cry from a Hallmark movie.

But in this breakthrough from Heaven, in this bold incredulous move by the Godhead, we humans can have what we truly crave. Restoration, peace hope, perhaps even joy. Oh, the hard doesn't go away. The hard came for Jesus and sent his family fleeing to Egypt. The hard found him thirty years later and nailed him to a tree. Yet in His suffering, he bought our freedom. And in our suffering, we learn to love and trust and live like he did.

It isn't easy. We don't have script writers, directors, editors, and make-up artists working out all the flaws. Instead, we have the Author and Perfecter of our faith. Indeed, we have the Word made flesh.

In Him was the life and the life was the light of mankind. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. --John 1:4-5

Gather the Good

"Mary had several plans for her first Christmas at Appleshaw but none of them materialized. That, she thought, was the way of Christmas plans. There was something disruptive about Christmas and not only in the merely material way. The original Christmas had proved exceedingly disruptive to the entire world and the tremors of the original event vibrated through every life year by year.--The Scent of Water, by Elizabeth Goudge. 

This December hasn't gone according to plan. The vision I had for this season has fallen apart. The lists we joyfully checked off last year have been a hot mess this year. I've not handled it graciously. But there is still good to be gathered. As I'm learning--you take the best and you leave the rest.

So here is my best of December 2019:

I've already recommended Joel Clarkson but it bears repeating. We also love For King and Country's Christmas Album. It's been a favorite for a few years but we were blown away by their performance on CMA Country Christmas. I hear that's playing again on Christmas Eve so you might want to check it out, or you can always YouTube it [or read this post on Little Drummer Boy. Their clip is at the end.] I also recommend Rend Collective's Campfire Christmas. It's a really great album, super fun songs, and also some really poignant songs. Definitely check it out.

Also for your listening enjoyment, I recommend the podcast 'Speaking With Joy'. Hosted by Joy Clarkson, yes, that's Joel's sister, she delves into the themes of Advent and presents up with beautiful art, music, and literature. I know it's later in the season but turn it on while you drive or wrap gifts. You'll be glad you did. I absolutely love this podcast. I've learned a lot.

And last I'm ending with some clips of my kids. My seven year old learned to play a little bit of piano this December. He also wanted to recite his memory verse. And of course, my almost four year old couldn't be left out, so she sings her little remix of 'Jingle Bells'.

From my family to yours, have a happy, imperfect, joyous Christmas. Happy Holidays!

Show Notes: Ep1 Why Plotting Possibility?

"You see the world glittering with possibility."  --Once More, The Sayen Falls Series: Novel 1 

Glittering with possibility. This is a quote from my first full length novel, Once More. It's a little phrase I love because I used to be that way. I used to notice the sparkle in everyday things. I suppose adulthood and struggles eroded the glitter right out of my eyesight.

But I believe it's possible to learn to see the world glitter with possibility again. To see potential and magic and wonder, to imagine what could be or what once was. It's a work of the heart as well as the mind to have this type of second sight. But why bother? What's the value in it?

 It can't be measured or quantified. No one pays you to notice how hundreds of fireflies in a cornfield make it look like someone has put glitter in the crop-duster...or that perhaps fairies have come out in the twilight. Instead, we talk of imagination as a thing that's nice if you have the time, but who has time here in the 21st century? We're all SO busy!

However, the more I think on it, I listen to experts, and read beautiful books, I'm sure that imagination and creativity and wonder aren't optional add-on accessories for the modern life. They're essentials. It's not like power windows and bluetooth capability. It's more like the gas pedal. You gotta have it or you're not getting anywhere.

I spent many hours mulling over names for my brand before I finally alighted on Plotting Possibility. I liked the alteration of it, and it seemed easy enough to remember. And I absolutely adored what it means to me.

As a writer, I work in plots and possibilities. But there's so much more here to unpack. To go on a journey, one plots a course. A farmer works a plot of land. There's intention for the journeyer and space for the cultivator. We're all writers and journeyers and farmers, whether or not we know it. Each of us has a story to tell. Each of us has to chart our course through life. Each of us has to choose what to sow so we can truly bloom where we're planted.

The possibilities in your life are rich and vibrant. Glittering possibility doesn't require a big paycheck or trips around the world or being well-connected. It requires the self-discipline to pull out of the social media hamster wheel and the economic rat race to actually enjoy life. It requires lovely thoughts, as our magical friend Peter Pan tells us, if we want to fly. It's all to do with imagination, wonder, and noticing beautiful things in the world all around.

It's my intention for  Plotting Possibility to be a space where imagination reigns supreme. Hope is in the very air we breathe here in this space. Wonder, enthusiasm, passion....all those lovelies that can't be measured....that's what we're trafficking in. This isn't reserved for the "artsy" types or those "creatives". Possibility and wonder are for us all; the right brained and the left brained; the Type As and the Type Bs; the Marilla Cuthberts and the Anne Shirleys. After all, God created the wonders of the world for all to enjoy. He designed each of us with intentional purpose and made us in His image so we can imagine, create, and plan. There isn't one personality type that isn't fit for His grace and love and Kingdom cause. We're all welcome to the table of His goodness. So, all are welcome here.

In future episodes, we'll talk about books, movies, music, the arts, mental health, friendship, and anything else that celebrates wonder and light. The possibilities are endless and I hope you'll join me for the journey!

Gather the Good

It's time to Gather the Good. 

I'll try to end every episode with a few good things I'm enjoying currently. I have to tell you, the phrase Gather the Good isn't my brainchild. I'm adopting it from the Irish band We Banjo 3. Its the name of one of their albums and I've always loved it. And it's exactly what I want to do for you. I want to gather up good things to share and enjoy together. [In the show notes I will provide links to the artist's website, Spotify albums, Good Reads pages, and links to stream or purchase as I can.]

So let's get started. 

I've been reading books by the English author Elizabeth Goudge lately. She warrants an entire episode once I wrap my head around all I want to say. But for now, let me recommend to you the novels City of Bells, The Scent of Water, and The Dean's Watch. Goudge writes with a passion for beauty but with honesty that being a human is hard. I find myself in each of her books, and walk away much encouraged. [Added note: Check your local library for Goudge's books. Some are out of print here in the US, but I found a good number of them through my library.]

If you want the perfect music to accompany your reading, listen to Joel Clarkson's instrumental albums Midwinter Carol's volumes one and two. These are also perfect for adding to your holiday playlists. And paired with Elizabeth Goudge, pure beauty for your senses! 

I'm still working my way through my favorite Christmas movies. Is it just me or has this December been moving at warp speed? Anyway, it's absolutely not Christmas if I don't get to see Muppets Christmas Carol and White Christmas. If you've never seen them, stop whatever you're doing and change that now. You'll be glad you did. Two other favorites of mine that are less well known are Never Say Goodbye which is a hilarious comedy with Errol Flynn, The Man Who Came To Dinner another laugh out loud comedy with Monty Wooly and Bette Davis. And last but not least, It's A Wonderful Life. I started it with my husband the other night and we had to stop it just as George Bailey starts to get desperate. I've been a huge Jimmy Stewart fan all my life, but last year was the first time this movie made me cry. It was the one-two punch, when Harry Bailey toasts his big brother as the richest man in town and Clarence the angel leaves George the note which reads "remember, no man is a failure who has friends." [Again, check your local library for titles particularly if you don't subscribe to streaming services]

So grab a couple friends, and gather the good!