Kindness Carries the Light

The last few days have been utterly exhausting but God has been in each moment, boldly revealing himself. In family. In friends. In quiet moments. And sometimes in banjos.

Yes, banjos. Let me explain.

Three years ago my childhood best friend, Holly, happened to be watching a morning news program when an Irish band came on to play a couple songs and promote their summer tour. Knowing me and my love for anything Irish, she texted me the name of the band and told me to look them up.

I. Fell. In. Love.

David Howley, Martin Howley, Enda Scahill, and Fergal Scahill

The band is We Banjo 3 and their genre is 'celtgrass' which is

an amazing marriage of American bluegrass with traditional Irish folk music. Two sets of brothers, Martin and David Howley, and Enda and Fergal Scahill, make up this incredible quartet of unparalleled talent and awesomeness.

Last year, in 2018, Holly and I went to see them in concert at the GAR Hall in Peninsula. The GAR Hall was constructed during the Civil War, and as it houses many artifacts from the era, it retains all of its historic charm. It's an intimate little hall that was packed with people--most of whom had seen the band before. Holly and I had no idea what we were in for. A Scottish band, Talisk, opened for them and blew the lid off the old hall. Then We Banjo 3 absolutely blew us away with their talent, passion, storytelling, and kindness. We left that night (in a snow storm) committed to We Banjo 3 for life.

At that concert, they played a couple new songs from the album they went on to release in the summer of 2018. Songs about depression and hope and family and love. Songs that stuck with me for a long time. And when that album dropped, I played it on a loop for weeks. My kids know the words to every song, and I'm good with that. The messages on the Haven album are everything I need to hear and want my kids to internalize. I don't think I've ever heard an album as honest and hopeful as this one. It's a curious blend in this modern age of cynicism and, well, ugly. But it's what we so desperately need. Honest words that life isn't always easy and mental health is a messy business sometimes, yet tempered with the insistent message of hope and light. I've talked before about my obsession with light. At least four songs on Haven talk about light. No wonder this is my jam.

Mental health is a hard thing to talk about. At the risk of this backfiring on me....I've wrestled with depression off and on for over a decade. Probably closer to two decades, though it it wasn't diagnosed until 2008. After my son was born in 2012, I experienced post partum depression which made me afraid that someone was going to take him away from me if I made a mistake, and that anyone but me would be better at raising him. It took about six or eight weeks for that to pass. When my daughter was born in 2016, PPD actually presented as anxiety. I'd never experienced anxiety like that before. I couldn't explain how I felt to anyone. I just knew I wasn't me, and I wasn't right. And talking about it felt impossibly hard at times. This took six to eight months before I got my feet under me again. Over the years, I've endured some dark days and nights that keep me ever yearning for the light. 

The hard things are the things we need to talk about. Or write music about. Or write novels about. My Sayen Falls Series features many characters wrestling with mental health issues for a wide variety of reasons. Most notably are my main characters; Blythe Elwood who is prone to depression and Gracen Hall who battles anxiety daily. As the story progresses into future books, I'll explore other facets of mental health like trauma and PTSD. But there will always be a thread of light and hope to follow. I want to be brave enough to write about the hard things--to write boldly about hard things as Hemingway instructed--and also brave enough to claw for the light.

The first time I listened to the Haven album in its entirety, I was almost in shock. My characters could've written these songs. 'War of Love' is Jesse Beckwith in a three-minute-and-twenty-nine-second song. I mean, it's eerie. And 'Pack It Up' could easily be played by Silas Elwood at an open-mic at The Yellow Bowl. The title song 'Haven' is so fitting for Blythe and for Gracen that I'm starting to wonder if the banjo boys hacked my laptop.

"Lay down your weapons, lay down with me. We will stare at the stars and think what life could be. Island of memories we'll leave them where they lie. Can we make the choice for love and joy? The moon lights a path we can travel down. River runs wild with what has gone before. Cast aside for new and more and more and more and more and more and more. Let me be your haven. Let me be your light. Sail with me across the ocean deep. And find a place for love and joy."

I was supposed to attend the We Banjo 3 concert in Peninsula this past weekend. Then we had a medical emergency. Everything planned was immediately canceled and I shifted all my attention to my husband.

Holly still went to the concert. She sent me some pictures, and told me that Martin compared Peninsula to Narnia or Hogwarts because no one has ever heard of it and you can't find it unless you know about it. I mean, he's not wrong. In fact, I think he's spot-on. 

Then, after the show she sought out David. She told him how our plans were derailed and my husband was in the hospital. The next thing I knew I was on the phone with him. It wasn't riveting conversation on my end because I was rather astonished. (I gave the play by play to my husband and he said it sounded like when he'd call girls in 7th grade. Again, he's not wrong. Pretty spot-on). 

And yet that brief conversation carried the light. Kindness always carries the light, and often small actions can carry more than we'd ever expect. This perhaps is the underlying message in Haven, and it is without a doubt an underlying message of Sayen Falls.

My family has been blessed with so many acts of kindness over the last few days. Our family and friends have been invaluable. I told my mom that I can tell so many people are praying because I can practically see it dripping down the walls. We are saturated in love right now. Even a wee bit of banjo love. And we're all back home under one roof! As I write this, everyone is sleeping soundly except me. As usual and as it should be. I'm heading off to dreamland soon myself. I will likely dream of kindness because I'm just so in awe of the Lord's mercies and the actions of kind souls. 

If We Banjo 3 plays a show anywhere even remotely near you--go. Even if you think celtgrass is not your thing. It will become your thing. It will be fun and entertaining, and it will be hopeful. And if you get to talk to the boys, they will be friendly and kind. And if you can manage to not be tongue-tied like me, they'll even listen to your stories.

And if you can't get to a show, download the album, grab a couple friends, and share your stories. Build community, find your tribe, make connections. As the boys in the band say, "we all need more kindness in this world....we all need more banjos in this world." And trust me, when something comes up and knocks your feet out from under you, having a real community to catch your fall is priceless.

Joy, Wonder, and Lessons from Mary Poppins

"Once upon a time, I knew a man with a leg named...oh, wait, that's not the right story....This is a story about a little boy named Michael. He wanted to give his tuppence to a bird lady...."-- Mr. Dawes, Jr. Mary Poppins Returns

"I was just about your age when I met Mary Poppins for the first time myself. I was working with a chimney sweep named Bert."--Jack the Lamplighter, Mary Poppins Returns

"I didn't think I'd ever feel this much joy and wonder again. I thought that door was closed to me forever."-- Michael Banks, Mary Poppins Returns

(Full disclosure: I'm quoting from memory. Don't sue me if it's not word-for-word. 😉)

I took my little boy to see Mary Poppins Returns tonight. It was his second time seeing it since he's about as obsessed as I am and was heartbroken at the thought of having to wait until March for the DVD. I made him earn it by doing some extra reading, though I certainly don't feel bad for indulging him in this treat. I want to fill him up on good, hearty stories. Those are the things we carry with us all our lives, although we aren't always aware of it. The stories we experience and internalize as children shape us and guide us into adulthood. The fairy tales help us believe in believing, the adventure stories help us be adventurous, and the hero stories teach us heroism is in us all. We learn about friendship, hard work, love, and family through stories. And stories stay with us forever.

I've seen Mary Poppins Returns *cough* four *cough* times now. I tear up every single time in the same darn spot. And while I've avoided spoilers in my previous posts.....I'm throwing up the SPOILER ALERT warning and plunging full speed ahead (Admiral Boom would approve).

There are two major hurdles the Banks family are trying to clear in this sequel. The first is that Michael's wife, Kate, has died in the past year. He's left heartbroken and lost, and the children grow up much too quickly to cope. The second is that Michael had to take a loan out against the value of their home to stay afloat, but he's defaulted on the loan and may lose the house. Mary Poppins comes back into Michael and sister Jane's lives just in time to bring some magic and direction to set them back on course. All of this is explained in the first ten minutes or so.

Let's jump ahead to the climax of the movie. It's crunch time. Michael and Jane must deliver a crucial piece of paper to the bank by midnight, but there's only seven minutes to go. Mary Poppins and the children decide to "turn back time". Without hesitation, Jack the Lamplighter not only naturally assumes he's part of the rescue team, but also tells his buddies to gather all the lamplighters at Big Ben. The race against time begins, and hundreds of shadowy figures rush through the night to join Mary Poppins, the children, and Jack at the most famous clock tower in the world. This is community in motion. This teaches my son that when someone needs help, you jump in. And if it's a big problem, you bring all your buddies with you. We don't do hard things alone. We don't do impossible things alone. And life without community is an impossible thing.

At last they're at the bank, and the issue of time has been resolved (I won't spoil HOW because it's one of my very favorite parts and I hold my breath every time), but it still seems that Michael will lose the house after all. Villainy and all that, you know. And then--big spoiler--Dick Van Dyke as Mr. Dawes, Jr. appears. I have to stop myself from clapping and cheering like it's live theater every time. Of course, he saves the day because it's just the best cameo ever. And he tells Michael's children about the time their father wanted to give his tuppence to a bird lady. Michael and Jane listen in rapt attention, remembering themselves, and their eyes become glassy with tears. That's when I notice mine are too. And in this moment, I have to remember that I'm not Michael. This story isn't real. It just feels so real because I internalized that story as a child.

Like Jack the Lamplighter, I was just a little kid when I first met Mary Poppins. And in the way Disney designed the film, it felt like Bert was my friend and he introduced me to her. And so, just like Jack, I've remembered all the magic and possibility over all the years. I haven't forgotten her.

But like Jane and Michael, I've also suffered hardship and loss and worries, I've lost some of the magic and wonder. I've start disbelieving all the imaginative adventures could be true,

So, when Mr. Dawes starts down memory lane, in that moment, I am Michael and the investment I made as a child has been guarded well and invested wisely. Mr. Dawes reveals that the tuppence Michael eventually gave to the bank has been kept safe and sound, and in fact, has grown into a tidy sum. And in the tenderness of this moment, as Mr. Dawes remembers how his daddy, Mr. Dawes, Sr (previously played by Dick Van Dyke) died laughing at a joke Mr. Banks told him that he learned from Michael, it all sort of comes full circle. The real investment here is joy and wonder. And that is a most worthy investment. That's why I've taken my son to see this film twice and he listens to the soundtrack until we're all crazy. That's why we read and read and read all manner of wonderful stories. That's why we talk about silly things and scary things and all the things we can. It's an investment in his heart and his character. Guarded well and invested wisely, it will grow and carry with him into his grown-up years. Just like it has for me. Stories and wonder yield high dividends in the long run.

There are so many little lessons to be learned from Mary Poppins. We first learned that 'in every job that must be done there is an element of fun' and that 'enough is as good as a feast' and that there's a word for every occasion. And now we're learning that 'some stuff and nonsense could be fun' and 'nothing's gone forever, only out of place', and that we can't 'think so much about where we've been that we don't pay attention to where we're going'. We can learn about good friends like Bert and the chimney sweeps, and Jack and the lamplighters, and Ellen the Maid, and Admiral Boom, and Miss Lark and her spoiled pups (first Andrew and then Willoughby). We can learn about doing the right thing even when you're surrounded by the wrong people, like the nice lawyer Mr. Fry. And we can learn that there's magic inside balloons when we don't lose that spark of joy and wonder.

I keep using that phrase because Michael says it himself and I think it's the best description of what Mary Poppins really offers us. Yes, there's inexplicable magic in jumping into chalk drawings and laughing on the ceiling. But the lesson contained within those magical moments is how to cultivate joy and wonder. You find it with friends, in laughter, in sharing hard things, and in cherishing those you love and those who love you. Love, family, friendship. Yes, that's where joy and wonder is found, sown, tended, and harvested.

I think this probably does it for my Mary Poppins Returns posts. At least until March, I can't say for certain the inspiration bug won't bite in the viewing party my son and I are planning. It's funny--I was so adamantly against this film; I didn't want something magical and beautiful from my childhood tampered with. I think we all jealousy guard our most cherished stories from childhood that way. But I'm glad Disney tampered and I've taken in this story. It's not like the original, but then again, neither am I being a grown-up now.