Ep7: Running, Roots, and Ruts: Tales from a Treadmill

"You shall find this to be God's most usual course, not to give his children the taste of his delights, til they begin to sweat in seeking after them."-- Richard Baxter, English poet and theologian 1615-1691

I've recently started running everyday on our treadmill. It's a hand me down twice removed. We picked it up from my parents so my husband could prepare for the stress echo test which he needed to return to work this January. I think we got it in maybe October. That seems right. And from then until January I was on the thing three times. My husband used it thirty minutes every single day to build his endurance. I admired his dedication and tenacity. I envied the time he had each day to do this thing that was good for him. Sometimes it can be so hard to plant a flag and stake a claim for things that are good for you.

After he returned to work, I decided it was time to get the kids and myself on a schedule too. I'm not a really scheduly person so when I use that word know that it's very loosely. Furthermore, I decided I was going to use that treadmill. I set a goal of just ten minutes every day. I know, that seems so low, so minimum, but I figured it was better to do something than nothing. My counselor has been encouraging me to set goals, the physical one hadn't even left the gate yet. And she told me that a few minutes every day was a good starting place. Goals don't always have to be big. Sometimes it's even better if goals are simple if they're realistic.

Most days it's between fifteen and twenty minutes, usually once a week I hit thirty minutes. And when I say "run" know that it's as loosely as I say "schedule". I do run some. Sometimes I jog. Sometimes I do thirty-sixty second bursts then cool down and repeat. Thanks to Pinterest I discovered this is what they call sprinting or HIIT which I don't remember what that stands for. I'm really not a guru here. Fitness has never been my thing.

In fact, it always felt like this thing that wasn't for me. I was naturally underweight up until I had kids. And it really wasn't until after my second child, my girl, that I struggled with any kind of weight gain. Or emotional eating. On top of that, being a tall gangly girl who errors a bit on the geeky side made gym class and sportsing intimidating. I'm not a natural athlete or dancer or anything. I'm a bookworm and a nerd. Maybe some people can be both nerdy and athletic. I'm not asserting they're mutually exclusive, except for me.

And so working out has always felt like this thing where I didn't belong. I remember being asked over and over again by friends in college to join them at the rec center for anything from cycling to some game with a ball (I don't even remember the name. 🤦), and 99.8% of the time I refused. I was horribly self-conscious. I was afraid of being teased for not playing well. I was afraid of looking stupid for not knowing how to use equipment. I was afraid of how weak I was and not being able to keep up. I was afraid of a lot of things above and beyond anything the rec center offered.

That's probably why it took me so long to get on the dumb treadmill once it came to live with us. My husband is a natural athlete. Not a super jock, but confident and fairly skilled at the normal baseball, basketball, and so on. It seemed appropriate for him to run. That's his zone. Me? I'll just stick to my nerd stuff.

But, you see, I felt like I had to do something different. I needed to at least try. I'm starting to not recognize myself in a way. Becoming a mother is an incredible gift and is insanely beautiful. However, it's also demanding and challenging, and it can be very taxing on mental health. My pregnancy with my daughter was particularly intense. The damage to my mental health was profound. Now, to be accurate, there were other factors beyond the pregnancy, like my grandmother passing, but those nine months and the post-partum period left a mark. Anxiety and depression like to throwdown and see who can bring me to my knees first. Perhaps motherhood is hard because it triggers so much from the past that was never addressed. And the years of sleep deprivation, the change in identity (loss of a sense of self and becoming known only as someone's mom), lifestyle changes, the mommy wars and all the mom guilt. Oh man, the mom guilt just drips right off the walls sometimes, right ladies?? If we're honest and vulnerable, most moms I know wrestle with some anxiety or depression, or at least frequent worry and guilt.

And so I cope as most women I know cope. Particularly with food, television, and social media. Mostly harmless things, except when it's really about burying deep the things you don't want to face.

I finally sought counseling for myself this past fall. Heaven knows I should've done it at least a decade ago. I've been digging deep. I've been working hard at altering thought patterns. Patterns I've had for so many years the ruts in my brain are like the ones left by the covered wagons on the Oregon Trail. Permanent. Indelible. It often feels like pretty things might grow up around them, but the ruts will always remain part of the terrain.

Until I started running. Now, I'd heard tell about the runner's high and endorphins and all that chemical stuff. I've read the articles about fighting depression with exercise about a zillion times. But remember, that's not for me. That works for the sportsy people but us bookworms just have to be morose.

So imagine my surprise when I felt better on the inside after logging a mile on the treadmill. I didn't trust it at first. Then, after a couple days, I was kinda obsessed.

And then last week I didn't sleep well at all and I couldn't find my rhythm. One day it was so rough I really thought I was going to injure myself. But I didn't quit. I didn't decide that all my previous assumptions were correct. I decided to keep at it. Every day.

And I added some Rend Collective to my playlist.

Oh, yeah, my playlist. That's an integral part of this whole thing. I've created this playlist I cleverly called 'Move' on Spotify. It started out with The East Pointers. Their new album was basically written for people to dance to so it translates well to running/sprinting/whatever. I, of course, added some We Banjo 3 because their music is a permanent part of my being. A few random other songs have been thrown in including one by Mr. Rogers. He has this little tiny pep talk about growing just as you are and being yourself and being likeable. It never fails to make me smile when it loops on. I read smiling is good when working out because it triggers your brain's reward center. 🤷 I don't know. I told you I'm no guru.

Anyway, last week I added Rend Collective. Their music is high energy so it's great for running. But what I didn't expect was to actually worship while I'm on a treadmill. If you'd said that to me even a month ago, I would've made a snarky comment about fitness nuts and Jesus freaks while brushing cookie crumbs off my smart phone.

But I'm here to tell you, it's arguably the most powerful one-two punch against hidden strongholds of darkness I've found to date. And I've tried a lot. I've faced a lot of dark. Someone once described me as "clawing for the light". That was big dark that I could fight with broad brush strokes. Running seems to dig at the deeper things. The hidden pockets of darkness. The old broken thoughts that keep the wagon wheels in their ruts.

Literally, I had no idea that intentionally choosing to move and sweat and increase my heart rate, while also listening to worship music at an insanely high volume in my earbuds would give me the focus needed to actually hear the Lord speak to those ruts. The Lord is doing a work in my brain while I am doing the work of sweat. And I just keep thinking, this is insane. I still think it's nuts. But that doesn't mean it isn't true. Some of the craziest things I've experience with Jesus are the truest things I know.

Let's be real: not every session becomes this great worship time. Sometimes it's just good tunes, sweat, and endorphins which is all I signed up for anyway. Last Friday though was a doozy. That's why I decided to share this testimony to fitness and worship music and mental health.

I didn't plan it. The run started with the Maggie Rogers song "Light On" which is a super fun song but not spiritual by any means. At least not for me. Then, the playlist looped to The East Pointers. Their song "Wintergreen" has been a major source of empowerment for me since August when I saw them at the Dublin Irish Festival. The music kicked to their instrumental "Before My Time" and then I clicked through a bunch until it pulled up "Marching On" by Rend Collective. This. Song. This song!! This song has been a favorite for a couple years now. It's so fiercely bold in its theology and tempo. But there's this line about strongholds crumbling like sand and as I pounded my feet on the treadmill, it felt truer than it ever had before.

Those limitations I've carried all my life about not being an athletic person, the fears I have carried with me from elementary school to college and into adulthood about being less than and awkward and not belonging, the stronghold I've been chained to about not being enough for some people and too much for others and rarely ever getting it just right and failing at some many things I've tried and being rejected or abandoned or unwanted.....those things? Those things fall away when it's only me and my music on a treadmill in my wood-panneled den. I close my eyes and see chains bursting off, busted in pieces. I am free.

Back to Friday's playlist, after that song I was already at fifteenish minutes but I decided to go for ten more. I scrolled down to a pair of songs that I wanted to listen to together and conveniently totaled ten minutes. The first a song by The Arcadian Wild called "Roots" and the second a piece by Andrew Peterson called "The Sower's Song". And as I ran through these songs, I closed my eyes and beheld a different vision. I saw the big, deep, fat roots of a huge tree being hacked at with an axe. It was utter destruction. Violent and painful.

This is how I have felt for a long time. Perhaps not uprooted, but severely damaged at my roots. How can I grow strong and tall with roots all hacked to pieces?

The only way is with Jesus. He's the sower, the gardener who is faithful to plant new seeds, to tend His vines, to nurture branches back to health. Thats how. That's it.

And check this, on Thursday night I had listened to a podcast with Annie F. Downs and Beth Moore about Beth's new book, Chasing Vines. They talked about vines, pruning branches, staying planted in Jesus, and continuing the work even when it feels so pointless and barren. They talked about the word "abide".

And do you remember a few weeks back I shared about my word for the year? Last year I was given the word "fallow" to consider. I've wrestled with it hard.

Guess what? All through those two songs by The Arcadian Wild and Andrew Peterson are the words fallow, seeds, vines, branches, abide, and void. Specifically that God's word and our brokkeness does not return void. Amen and hallelujah. It was like being pelted with cleansing, lifegiving rain over every inch of my barren achy soul.

I cried. And I kept running. I refused to stop just because I was crying. It freaked the heck out of my dog who isn't a big fan of his mama running on the loud machine anyway. But I kept going.

When the songs were over and ten minutes had passed, I needed just a little bit more. I thumbed to a different list and picked the last song. "A Benediction" again by The Arcadian Wild. This song is a recent obsession of mine. As the song played, I lifted my hands and began to sing.

This is why I don't run the whole time. Aside from the fact that I surely would die, I wouldn't be able to sing. And even though my dog really hates that because he's sure I've lost my marbles, I sing as much as I can. With my earbuds in, I don't even hear myself well. I'm not worried about sounding pretty. It's just getting the words out because the words matter.

"Wintergreen....can't outshine your radiance...or undermine your saliance, despite the darkness of some of these days....Certain spirits are too bright to be tamed..."

"We'll sing, "Hallelujah" for all Hell to hear. Shout out, "Hosanna" above every fear. Strongholds will crumble like castles of sand. We are marching on, we're marching on..."

"So put down your roots and I'll plant this fallow field of mine with you. Put down your roots. Together, we'll watch this desert bloom..."

"As the rain and the snow fall down from the sky. And they don't return but they water the earth and they bring forth life. Giving seed to the sower, and bread for the hunger.

So shall the word of the Lord be with a sound like thunder. And it will not return, it will not return void. It will not return, it will not return void. It will not return, it will not return void. We shall be led in peace and go out with joy..."

"When it seems you're all but drowning, may the water quench your thirsting. When the sun is nearly blinding, may you by it see everything as it was meant to be. Oh, wonder extraordinary. Made to wander free and fearlessly unto all eternity..."

I had no idea running would be this kind of good for me. That soul work would be done. That freedom could be found by running and never actually leaving my own house. A decision to move just ten minutes a day has come to mean so much more to me than just checking off a goal on a list. And I can't make the claim that I'll do this forever and always amen. But in this season, for this me, this is healing and health and growth. I had no idea but praise be, now I do. And now I've told you. If you're sitting on the sidelines, maybe it's time to begin. Find your thing, grab your earbuds, and take the freedom that is yours.

Gather The Good: 

Artist: The Arcadian Wild
Song: "A Benediction"
Album: Finch in the Pantry
Song: "Roots"
Album: The Arcadian Wild

Artist: Andrew Peterson
Song: "The Sower's Song"
Album: The Burning Edge of Dawn
(Bonus Rec: Resurrection Letters Vol 1)

Artist: The East Pointers
Song: "Wintergreen"
Album: Yours to Break

Bonus Music Recommendation
Artist: The Hunts
Album: Darlin oh Darlin