Episode 5: Making Use of a Broken Gift

I figure it’s time to tell you a bit about myself since we’re a few episodes in and maybe not all of you know me in real life. Unfortunately, every attempt I make at writing this thing out turns into a list of labels. So, I’m just going to run with that and start with giving you some of my labels.

I’m a wife and mother. I’ve been married to my husband for eleven years, and we have two children. My seven year old son is very creative and imaginative, as well as energetic and a very sensitive soul. My daughter just turned four so she basically thinks she’s grown now and is ready to do everything. She’s super bossy, but also very nurturing and loves to take care of people. We also have a dog, can’t leave my furry boy out. We adopted Bode nine years ago as a rescue dog. He’s a total weirdo but he’s a good fit for our family that way.

I’m also a homeschooler. I never thought I would be. I always thought homeschoolers were weird so that was a big no for me. Then, when my son was preschool aged and we looked into programs, we found that we couldn’t afford it. So I started exploring the homeschool world. I was amazed by what I found. There are so many styles, curriculum choices, and research which shows how beneficial homeschooling can be. Now, clearly, I believe in it because we do it. That said, I don’t sit in judgment of anyone who makes a different education choice for their kids. Homeschooling can be really hard and there are days I question my own choices (insider info: all homeschoolers question their sanity at some point. We’re not filled with everlasting patience for our own children all the time). But I do really love having the extra time with my kids, the opportunity to be creative in our learning, and being able to pursue any interests and passions we uncover. Maybe someday I’ll do a whole episode about homeschooling to debunk some myths or offer encouragement for those who are interested, but today is not that day, so we’ll move on.

I’m also a Christian. Now when I say Christian, I realize that can be a loaded term. I do not mean someone who just goes to church or who follows a bunch of rules or hates people. I don’t hate people. I’m not very good at following rules (I have a big fat sin nature just like everyone else) and while I do go to church, I don’t think that makes me a better person that someone who does not. When I say Christian I mean that there came a point in my life where I realized things were pretty messed up and I needed Jesus. It also means that in my darkest moments and hardest seasons, I’ve not been alone. I seriously have to tell you guys about the fireflies of 2016 someday….but today is not that day, so we’re moving on again.

I am also an author. And being an author is what led me to this podcast. Let me give you the backstory.

When I was in third grade I had this wonderful teacher. Her name was Mrs. Morris. She has since passed away after a battle with cancer. But I was lucky enough to have her. She was like one of those teachers you find in story books. She was young and pretty and full of life. She had new ideas and ways of doing things. She wasn’t afraid to be a little outside the box and she encouraged us to be a little outside the box too. I still remember her reading Charlie and the Choclate Factory aloud to us. And I remember she had these stations set up in the classroom. One was a reading station with a big carpet and some big squishy teddy bears and bean bags where we could just curl up and read. Now, I’ve loved books and stories for longer than I can remember so anytime I’ve ever been encouraged to just sit and read, it’s been my favorite. But Mrs. Morris also had writing stations. We would write in our spiral notebooks about all kinds of things. They could be lilke journal entries or short stories or just telling her what our plans were for the weekend---cause you know, eight year olds have some great weekend plans. And she would write in the margins all manner of encouragement and feedback to nurture our writing. She also had each of us write our own book. She made cardboard covers and put blank pages inside so each of us could write and illustrate our own story. Mine was called The Old Horse in the Beat-Down Stable. It sounds so bleak, doesn’t it? I still have it somewhere. I was so proud of my story and it lit a tiny spark of passion for writing.

Fast forward to 11th grade, English Lit with Mrs. Clark. I knew by then that I really loved reading, especially old classics but it was in her class that I realized I was different. We were studying couplets and while most of my classmates needed a minute to figure them out, I seemed to be getting it instantly. This was the moment I realized not everyone was like me and I was good at something. And I don't care who you are or what your thing is--if it's couplets from English poetry or trigonometry or fixing cars or styling hair--when you have that moment when you discover a talent, skill, or strong interest, it's a good moment. And that was one of my moments. Also, in this class, Mrs. Clark had us each write an allegorical short story. We had just studied Jonathan Swift and learned how he used allegory to make political points through story. I wrote a short story for this assignment that I absolutely loved. In fact, I turned it into a full length novel by the end of my freshman year of college. Then it morphed into a full series. Actually, for the next ten years, I continued tinkering with the story until it became this huge, unwieldy thing that didn't make much sense any more. Characters kept changing, the idea of what it was really about kept evolving, there were fairies at one point. It was a lot. But it kept the passion for writing alive and active in me.

However, there have been times when the writing stops, when the part of me that is a writer seems to go to sleep. It's usually because of excessive busyness, or sometimes it's because it feels like it doesn't matter so I should just watch TV, but whenever I stop writing, it's like I'm missing something that is inherent and essential to being me.

There was a gap for a few years when I stopped. Life was breakneck busy after my son was born. I was transitioning from working full time to being a stay at home mom and I also ended up leading our church's youth group in our living room. I had a blog then I posted in sometimes, and I wrote my own youth lessons most of the time, but that was it. I wasn't really writing. For two years, I didn't work at all on my novels.

Then, when my son was two, I realized I needed something that was just mine. I loved being a mom, but it's so demanding. And my boy as a two year old was an absolute dynamo from the moment he woke up to when I finally convinced him to fall asleep at night. And not only was I exhausted, but I had lost a sense of self. It was like I was a mom who was supposed to do mom things and think mom thoughts and just have mom feelings. And wife feelings too. But there was nothing left for me. So my husband and I talked and agreed I should have a night every week to do whatever I wanted. We didn't have a lot of money then so I didn't want to just do shopping sprees and I didn't have a lot of friends then so I couldn't just go out with the girls (plus, my friends were all busy too). I did, however, have a laptop, and there was an amazing coffee shop nearby. We lived outside of Bowling Green, Ohio then and in Bowling Green there is a coffee shop called Grounds for Thought that has not only coffee and a really good chai latte, but used books. Tons and tons and tons of used books. So I would grab my laptop, order a big mug of chai, get a donut with strawberry icing, and settle in to write.

The novels I had been messing around with since high school were unusable. It was all nonsense at that point that no amount of editing could unravel. But there were a few fantastic characters worth air-lifting into a new book. I changed their names and decided to start anew. Yet, when I opened that new Word document and bright shiny white page was staring back at me, I had no idea how to start. It's very intimidating to sit down and try to just write a book. So I decided to just start with a single scene and whatever characters came to mind. In my mind's eye, I could see a grandfather and his adult granddaughter. They were outside in a plaza. My hometown, Cuyahoga Falls, has this riverfront area with stores and a cobbled streets. That's where I saw them. And the granddaughter was in a hot pink vintage party dress. And as I crafted the scene what bubbled to the surface was how much they adored each other. These characters were based on my own grandfather and me, although I don't own a fabulous pink party dress and my PapPap was a man of much fewer words. But this relationship gave shape to a brand new story. It was a launch point.

I took my laptop to Grounds for Thought every week for months. I pounded away at a rough draft morning, noon, and night in spare moments. I stayed up to two or three in the morning. I finished it on my thirtieth birthday. It would be three more years before the final draft was finished and ready for publication. It took four years in total.

I published that book in 2018. It was the first novel in the Sayen Falls series, and it's title is Once More. It's basically my third baby. But as I said, Sayen Falls is a series. There are four novels in total. Or there will be. When I published Once More, I assumed I'd start right away on the next one. I have the entire story arc in my head. I have the story arc for the whole series in my head. I can tell you who gets married, who has babies, what everyone argues about, what kind of tea they drink for breakfast. The trouble is, I can't seem to get it to come out of my head and onto the page.

Every time I try, what comes out isn't good. I suppose it's a form of writer's block and I've analyzed it six ways from Sunday. It feels like my words--the words I've had since third grade--have dried up and gone away. Every now and then there's a cloudburst and I can write something good and beautiful. It just never lasts for long.

And so I've tried to give this gift back to God. Here you go, it's broken and I can't use it anymore. The
trouble with that is that God doesn't accept returns and he doesn't make exchanges. He gently hands it back to me, in his own way, and tells me that he doesn't give gifts that are broken and he doesn't give gifts just so I can hand them back and say I don't want this. He gives gifts so we use them, even when it's hard, and when it doesn't flow, and even when you feel crazy doing it. If it's a gift, you're meant to use it.

So that's where I am. I'm simply trying to be obedient to use what I have. I don't want to be the guy who buried his talent in the ground because he didn't have any better ideas and fear stopped him from making better choices. I might not be the five talent guy who gets the biggest return on his investment--and that's okay. Maybe, just maybe, I can be the three talent guy who used what he had and didn't compare himself to the five talent guy and didn't give up like the one talent guy, and had something to offer the master when he returned. I'd rather have something, even if it's small, than nothing.

And that's what i'm doing now. When writing the novels started to feel so strained, I turned my attention to blogging. In fact, that's where you find all of my show notes, so you can look around at the blog posts as well. But even that has felt so hit or miss and hard to do. Then, one day, I decided to try podcasting. I'm going to be very honest--I have no idea why. If writing wasn't working, it doesn't really make sense to think that talking will work. If the words are gone, then what in the world am I saying? Still, I did it anyway. And here we are.

In a way, I wish I fit into a nice little niche and could tell you that I'm always going to talk about motherhood or homeschooling or books, but I've never been good at pigeon holes. I'm also not sure that's what God has for me. He not only gifted me words, but a vivid imagination and a thirst for beauty and passion for an inspired life. It will all be used somehow, some way. As author Erma Bombeck said, "When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.'"

In the first episode I talked about Plotting Possibility and plotting a course. God is plotting the course here, the course of my life, the course of my story, and the course of this podcast. We're all in this together to see where we're going. I promise to be obedient and to use my gifts, and I hope and I pray that it's a blessing to you as we go together on this journey.

Gather the Good

Since this post is all about me, I thought I'd just tell you about a few of my favorite things in the entire world. These are really just a few random things that I truly love and I don't know when else I'll be able to talk about them.

My favorite vacation spot is Ocean City, New Jersey. In fact, it was the inspiration for Summerstead Isle in my novels. It's the perfect family vacation destination with beautiful beaches, a long boardwalk with miniatrue golf, amusement parks, and delicious food. If you ever go, you have to do Golden Galleon mini golf, grab a slice of Manco and Manco's pizza, and bike all the way to the end of the boardwalk to get some hot fresh donuts from Browns. It's worth the exercise.

My kids enjoying the ocean on our last night in OCNJ this past summer. 

The kids and husband playing skee ball on our first night in OCNJ. Only $0.10 a game!

The Music Pier reaching into the sea. 

That said, my favorite trip I've ever taken was to London and Ireland when I graduated high school. My uncle is a world traveler himself, and took my brother and me each on trips when we graduated. I got to pick so we trotted off for a week in London and a week in Ireland. I still look at the pictures all the time and tell the kids all about it like I was just there last week (It's been 16 years). It's true that the Irish are the friendliest people ever. And London is an amazing city. Someday I must go back.

18 year old me on The London Eye

While I was there, I got to go to the Globe Theater where Shakespeare's plays were first performed. Now, I'm actually not a total geek for Shakespeare but I do have a soft spot for him. His writing comes up quite a bit in my own actually. The title Once More is from a quote in Henry V, "once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!" The Hollow Crown series is excellent. It stars Jeremy Irons and Tom Hiddleston, but also Michelle Dockery (think: Lady Mary from Downton Abbey) has a supporting role. It's pretty amazing to watch Scar, Loki, and Lady Mary do Shakespeare. But my very favorite play of all time is Much Ado About Nothing. The title for the second novel, Mend, is from a quote in that play. "Serve God, love me, and mend." I absolutely insist you watch the Kenneth Branagh version from the 90s. It was my first real introduction to Shakespeare when I was about 14 or so, and I love it as much now as I did then.

My last bit of goodness for today, the Cuyahoga Valley National Parks. As I said, I grew up in Cuyahoga Falls and as a teenager, my friends and I regularly went to the valley to hike and talk about our cute boys and feelings and other things that were important to us. I sorta thought everyone had a valley nearby for doing such things, but when I went to college, in the flattest county in Ohio, I realized that's not so. I desperately missed my green, twisty, windy valley in the ten years I lived in very flat, very straight lined Wood County. If you're an outdoorsy type, or ever find yourself in the Cleveland-Akron area with a few hours and nothing to do, you must drive into the valley and explore. And if you can go in the fall, enjoy how golden everything becomes as the sun pours through golden leaves. It's good stuff.

Show Notes Ep4: The Book Episode!

I read close to 60 books in 2019.  This was a huge lifestyle change for me. For the last seven years, I usually read maybe 3-5 books the entire year. I read Book Girl by Sarah Clarkson and it absolutely reignited my desire to read AND gave me some good ideas on how to fit more reading time in. It's not a competition; I know people who have read twice or triple this amount this year, I know people who have read just a couple books. Who cares, as long as you're reading and enjoying it! 

If you want some tips, here's what I found that helped me. 

• Only read what you want to. I have a stack of unfinished books; some I'll eventually complete and others I won't. Life's too short to read a book for pleasure that doesn't actually give you any pleasure.
• I started reading a chapter in the morning and a chapter at night. The morning chapter eventually stopped because of the kids and life (and honestly, its easier to scroll my phone). But it helped me get a ton of reading in. 
• Speaking of phones, let's talk screens. They're everywhere and we love them because it's easy and sometimes because it's mindless. But if you really want to boost your reading, reduce your screen time. I basically stopped watching TV at night for six months or so, and I read forty books or more as a result. And when I was reading instead of scrolling Facebook, I read even more. 
• But phones can be helpful if you put books on them! I use the Libby app which I got through Overdrive. Now, I tend to go hot and cold with ebooks. I'll read three or four and then none for months. I like having something to read wherever I am, I like it as an alternative to social media, and I'm often able to borrow a book quicker than requesting the physical copy from my library. 
• Audiobooks are also a great way to get in some extra reading. Studies show that listening to an audibook is just as good for your brain as reading it physically.
• For a while I was using some bullet journal tracking pages that really motivated me to read. I used graph paper to chart every chapter read. I wrote the title and author of each book then numbered the squares for however many chapters the book has. If there was an introduction, prologue, epilogue and so on I used the first letter of the word instead of a number. Then, I'd color in the squares as I read. I also downloaded free from Pinterest a cute page with blank books to write in the titles of the books I finished. 
• I think the biggest thing for me was simply the desire to have more books and words in my life. I had become an author who didn't really read. I also could feel my attention span shrinking and my need for constant entertainment increasing. Reading books help your brain absorb, engage, connect, and expand in ways that screens simply don't. I wanted a healthier brain and I missed being a real book nerd, so I changed some habits and made it happen. 

Book Lists

So here's the deal, I created four categories for the books I read this year. And in those categories, I selected my favorite seven books. Why seven? Because that's what looked good in the Instagram layout. I'm actually going to slip in a few extras in these lists, but here are my top faves from 2019. Here is a link to the full book list on Goodreads if you'd like to find out more about each book. 

Fiction

1. The Scent of Water by Elizabeth Goudge
2. The Dean's Watch by Elizabeth Goudge 
3. A City of Bells by Elizabeth Goudge (yes, there's a real theme here.)
4. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by MaryAnn Shaffer and Annie Barrows
5. Belgravia by Julian Fellowes (being made into a series or movie or some such now). 
6. The Lost Book of the Grail by Charlie Lovett (I also read his books First Impressions and The Bookman's Tale. All quite good!) 
7. How to Find Love in a Bookshop by Veronica Henry
8. The Poet's Dog by Patricia MacLachlan (this is actually a chapter book for kids or tweens, but I really really enjoyed it. Sometimes it's nice to pick up a simple book with a beautiful story to tell.) 
9. Becoming Mrs. Lewis by Patti Callahan (This is one of the best books I read last year. And Lewis's stepson Douglas says that it's a pretty accurate portrayal of what happened.)
10. Green Ember by SD Smith 

Christian Non-fiction

1. Liturgy of the Ordinary by Tish Harrison Warren 
2. The Celtic Way of Prayer by Esther De Waal
3. A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23 by Phillip Keller 
4. The Inner Voice of Love by Henri Nouwen 
5. The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness by Tim Keller
6. Jesus Among Other Gods by Ravi Zacharias 
7. Looking for Lovely by Annie F. Downs 

General Non-fiction

*This is maybe an inaccurate category title because several of the authors here are professing Christians who write with that worldview. But the topics of these books are not strictly theological or about "Christian living" so to speak. 

1. Different by Nathan Clarkson and Sally Clarkson
2. Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson
3. Caught Up in a Story by Sarah Clarkson (yes, they're all related). 
4. Book Girl by Sarah Clarkson (Read this book if you want more tips and inspiration for your reading life. It totally reinvigorated my own reading life!)
5. Brave Learner by Julie Bogart
6. Teaching from Rest by Sarah Mackenzie
7. Gift From the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh 
8. The Man Who Invented Christmas by Les Stanford

Books I Re-read This Year

1. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by CS Lewis 
2. Anne of Green Gables by LM Montgomery
3. "...And Ladies of the Club" by Helen Hooven Santmeyer
4. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett (truthfully this was the first time I ever finished it and I totally loved it)
5. The Jesus I Never Knew by Philip Yancey
6. Misty of Chincoteague by Marguerite Henry 
7. The Birth by Gene Edwards 

Gather the Good

Two things that pair very well with books....tea and music! I'm a huge fan of loose leaf tea. My favorite company is Plum Deluxe. They have a blend that is perfect for reading....it's called Reading Nook! If you're new to loose leaf tea, don't be intimidated. All you need is some tea, an infuser, boiling water, and a mug.

And the perfect musical accompaniment is an album called Story Book Soundscapes by Joel Clarkson. Joel composed this album specifically to go with stories. It is an amazing soundtrack for reading. Pop in some earbuds, grab a good book, and a mug of hot tea and enjoy!!

Bonus mention: PBS Masterpiece's show Victoria. If you enjoy period dramas, you must try this show. It's a beautiful story telling of Queen Victoria's life. It's more or less accurate, from what I've read of that giant biography I'm planning to finish this year, but of course, it is television so there are some poetic liberties. I've binged watched each season several times. Definitely check it out!

Show Notes Ep3: Resolutions and New Things

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43: 18-19 NIV

Are you familiar with the one word for a year concept? The idea that you select one word or phrase to focus on for the year. To see what God reveals to you regarding this one word, to grow and mature through this focus. It could be joy or rest or connect or anything at all.

Truthfully I usually forget my word by March or add more or change in it. Im not very good at staying focused to just a single thing for a whole minute let alone an entire year. Last year I started with content and ended up adding both cultivate and fallow. I'm still pondering these ideas and probably will be for a while.

So because I'm not very good at this one word commitment I didn't think I'd bother this year. But then someone quoted a piece of scripture to me and it stayed in my head, rattling around and wanting to be unpacked.

Behold, I am making all things new.

At first, I considered exploring the word behold. It's a grand sounding word, but I once I started looking at it I disccovered it doesn't have much meat on the bone. So, I turned my attention to the word new.

I threw the word into my Bible app search engine and that's it. That's my word. New.

It feels like a dumb word to pick. Like, yeah, okay new, duh, what a concept. But I have this feeling there's something to be unpacked here that will have deep value. Maybe not to the whole world or anything, but to me.

And that's sorta the point of this whole one word thing. It's not about impressing people with how much you grow or know. It's about diving into something deep with Jesus and letting him teach you what you need to know. I'm not a relativist so I think His truths are truths absolutely. But I think what I need to mine out of the word new for 2020 will be deeply personal, and what you need to mine with the Lord will be personal to you. After all, God is a personal God.

I remember learning in a college course called Great Ideas that the God of Abraham was different from all other gods in the ancient world because he was personal. Abraham's God went with him, no one else's god would do that. It was unique and it made people incredulous. Someone like me who has grown up in the church and known Jesus all my life takes it for granted that God is a personal guy. Sometimes it becomes so familiar that it's just a line item in my religion rather than a truth that shapes my reality.

And then, this personal God, does something to remind me, to wake me up, to show me that He is paying attention and He knows me. The stories I could tell. Someday I'll have to tell you about the fire files of 2016. But in this case, he used words. Words spoken to me and His Holy Word. Words that propel me to seek out a fuller meaning to a familar word. Words that prompt me to think, to speak, to write. How fitting he should use words, he knows I love them.

In fact, I had intended to only use Isaiah 43:19 (See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland) but when I recorded it I didn't like how it sounded. So, I did what I should've done in the first place and I looked at the context. I pulled up the whole chapter and the verse directly in front of it says, forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. And just this morning, I was talking about how I tend to dwell on the past and so there isn't room for new things. Isn't God funny? I actually laughed when I read those words because this is just God telling me to let go of the past because he is doing a new thing.

So, that's my word. New. I'm launching with the concept of "new things" but God only knows where we're headed here.

Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.” And He said to me, “It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. I will give of the fountain of the water of life freely to him who thirsts. He who overcomes shall inherit all things, and I will be his God and he shall be My son.--Revelation 21:5-7

I also have 10 resolutions I've been mulling over. Ten resolutions that are really about taking care of myself, my mental health, my emotional health. Resolutions that aren't just about externals or meeting someone's standards or expectations, but what will actually help my soul receive this new thing God is doing.

1. I resolve to stop letting comparison pirate my joy. I am steering my ship, not anyone else. Not a friend, or another woman whose strengths are not my own, or a social media influencer. I'm the captain and comparison will have no power of mutiny in 2020. 
2. I resolve to do more things that bring me joy--without guilt, shame, embarrassment, or even permission. I'm allowed to indulge, to pursue, and to want experiences that fill my soul's cup with brightness. And I am a better person when I'm not longing but enjoying. 
3. I resolve to spend less time wishing and more time doing. After all, if there's anything the musical Into the Woods has taught me it's that wishes are not always what they seem. Contentment is wise, but must be cultivated and tended regularly. The act of doing, of being gives wishes the forward momentum toward growth while allowing the heart to be content just where it is. 
4. I resolve to give myself permission to be inadequate and imperfect. Additionally, I resolve to speak kindly to myself when I actually am inadequate and imperfect. If I wouldn't say it that way to a friend, I shouldn't say it to myself. And if I wouldn't expect an unattainable standard from a friend, I shouldn't from myself. 
5. I resolve to try new things, to keep at it when it's hard, and to ignore the numbers. Attempting a new thing is hard but it's the only way to grow. A child learns to walk, to talk,and to read by daring to try the new thing. When my son learned to walk there were hours of struggle and tears before victory. Now nothing holds him back. In my journey, there will be naysayers and critics, disappointments and frustrations. Those do not define me and success will be in just doing it. 
6. I resolve to take care of myself and to express my self better. These things so often overlap. I start to feel myself drowning in busyness, mental exhaustion, and general overwhelm but instead of asking for specific help or saying how I feel, I become distraught that no one is offering. What is obvious to me isn't obvious to others because they're focused on other things. And ultimately my self-care is my responsibility. If I need to take better care of myself, that's on me. And if I need to express myself better, that's on me too. 
7. I resolve to be resilient and gracious when life gets hard. There's no question of if but only when the struggles will arrive. And the real questions isn't how to avoid or end them, but how do I handle it? Freak out, despair, rapid fire text whining? Or deep breaths, prayers unceasing, and rationally trusting in El-Roi, the God who sees? And in His seeing, He knows just what to do and when. 
8. I resolve to read more books, drink more tea, bake more scones. Simple pleasures that help me remember how to breathe deep, to savor slowly, to unwind gently. 
9. I resolve to be the mom I want my kids to have. Imperfect because illusions of perfection don't serve them any more than they energize me. But happy and full of faith and unafraid. A mom who models humility and honestly needs Jesus. A mom is who is with them and for them. 
10. I resolve to reach out more than I withdraw; to create more than I destroy; to hope more than I despair; to welcomes tears of sadness and laughter, both can cleanse the dark parts that build up in my soul. I resolve to keep going, to keep loving. I resolve to let 2020 be what it will be and I will learn more of how to be me. 

Gather the Good

[This is not a verbatim transcript from the episode, but more of a recap of what I shared and links, of course, to check it out yourself.]

Music: I finally checked out the worship album Rend Collective made for kids, Sparkle. Pop. Rampage. I had to clean my daughter's room and it took like three or four hours, so I turned on some new tunes to keep me company. I really didn't expect to like this album because now that I'm a 35 year old woman I don't usually love worship music written for kids. But since this is Rend Collective, the lyrics are still thoughtful and deep and important, but there's a little bit of silly and fun too. [Also, they're from Northern Ireland and it's worth listening to just to hear the couple bits where they talk.] 

Book: Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. I read this book last year and I plan on reading it again this year. It's a great book to read at at new year or a new chapter in your life or a new season. Each chapter discusses a theme or  issue people, especially women, have in taking full ownership of their own life. She uses the phrase "agency" a lot to explain how we really do have choices and can decide how busy we want to be, how to handle issues, and how to really take ownership of your life. It's a very empowering book. There are questions at the end of each chapter if you like to journal and interact with a book that way too. I highly recommend it! [Last year on her podcast Sally went chapter by chapter through the book as well which was also excellent. Her podcast is called "At Home With Sally". I don't have the specific episode numbers, but I can find them if you just leave a comment.] 

Show Notes: Ep 2 When The Christmas You Plan Isn't The Christmas You Get

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of deep darkness, a light has dawned.--Isaiah 9:2

Looking around on social media and talking with friends, it seems to me that Christmas spirit is running a bit low this year. I think one reason Christmas feels so hard for some of us is because we want what we've been sold. And what we've been sold is the picture of a perfect, cozy holiday where all the hard things are shored up just in time for Christmas. In reality, hard things don't take off for the holidays. Stress, illness, divorce, brokenness can be deal with or overlooked for the sake of the day, but it isn't resolved. And we crave that resolution. We want what we've been promised and we want it with some twinkle lights and a red bow and some hot cocoa.

So what do we do? If you're me this year you complain. A lot. And then you have a breakthrough. What if all the hard is supposed to help us pare down? What if the struggle is designed to make us go slow?

In days gone by, when the church year organized daily life and the darkness of winter had greater impact, Advent was a time of reflection, resting, retreating before the big celebration. We've lost that over the centuries and I think something precious was stolen from us. The Christmas season now is so bustling full, there's no room for the real light to break through. And that's what we really need. That's what we were actually promised.

Humans haven't had perfection since Eden and the fall. Thought we've been duped with the image of it ever since. The false perfection only creates more anxiety, more isolation, more hunger. We must learn to let it go so we can hold the true perfection.

It came in the form of a baby boy. Helpless, wriggling, squishy, crying baby. The fullness of God, salvation, and the longed for perfection emerged from a woman's womb into a dark stable on a starlit night. It's a far cry from a Hallmark movie.

But in this breakthrough from Heaven, in this bold incredulous move by the Godhead, we humans can have what we truly crave. Restoration, peace hope, perhaps even joy. Oh, the hard doesn't go away. The hard came for Jesus and sent his family fleeing to Egypt. The hard found him thirty years later and nailed him to a tree. Yet in His suffering, he bought our freedom. And in our suffering, we learn to love and trust and live like he did.

It isn't easy. We don't have script writers, directors, editors, and make-up artists working out all the flaws. Instead, we have the Author and Perfecter of our faith. Indeed, we have the Word made flesh.

In Him was the life and the life was the light of mankind. The light shines in the darkness and the darkness has not overcome it. --John 1:4-5

Gather the Good

"Mary had several plans for her first Christmas at Appleshaw but none of them materialized. That, she thought, was the way of Christmas plans. There was something disruptive about Christmas and not only in the merely material way. The original Christmas had proved exceedingly disruptive to the entire world and the tremors of the original event vibrated through every life year by year.--The Scent of Water, by Elizabeth Goudge. 

This December hasn't gone according to plan. The vision I had for this season has fallen apart. The lists we joyfully checked off last year have been a hot mess this year. I've not handled it graciously. But there is still good to be gathered. As I'm learning--you take the best and you leave the rest.

So here is my best of December 2019:

I've already recommended Joel Clarkson but it bears repeating. We also love For King and Country's Christmas Album. It's been a favorite for a few years but we were blown away by their performance on CMA Country Christmas. I hear that's playing again on Christmas Eve so you might want to check it out, or you can always YouTube it [or read this post on Little Drummer Boy. Their clip is at the end.] I also recommend Rend Collective's Campfire Christmas. It's a really great album, super fun songs, and also some really poignant songs. Definitely check it out.

Also for your listening enjoyment, I recommend the podcast 'Speaking With Joy'. Hosted by Joy Clarkson, yes, that's Joel's sister, she delves into the themes of Advent and presents up with beautiful art, music, and literature. I know it's later in the season but turn it on while you drive or wrap gifts. You'll be glad you did. I absolutely love this podcast. I've learned a lot.

And last I'm ending with some clips of my kids. My seven year old learned to play a little bit of piano this December. He also wanted to recite his memory verse. And of course, my almost four year old couldn't be left out, so she sings her little remix of 'Jingle Bells'.

From my family to yours, have a happy, imperfect, joyous Christmas. Happy Holidays!

Show Notes: Ep1 Why Plotting Possibility?

"You see the world glittering with possibility."  --Once More, The Sayen Falls Series: Novel 1 

Glittering with possibility. This is a quote from my first full length novel, Once More. It's a little phrase I love because I used to be that way. I used to notice the sparkle in everyday things. I suppose adulthood and struggles eroded the glitter right out of my eyesight.

But I believe it's possible to learn to see the world glitter with possibility again. To see potential and magic and wonder, to imagine what could be or what once was. It's a work of the heart as well as the mind to have this type of second sight. But why bother? What's the value in it?

 It can't be measured or quantified. No one pays you to notice how hundreds of fireflies in a cornfield make it look like someone has put glitter in the crop-duster...or that perhaps fairies have come out in the twilight. Instead, we talk of imagination as a thing that's nice if you have the time, but who has time here in the 21st century? We're all SO busy!

However, the more I think on it, I listen to experts, and read beautiful books, I'm sure that imagination and creativity and wonder aren't optional add-on accessories for the modern life. They're essentials. It's not like power windows and bluetooth capability. It's more like the gas pedal. You gotta have it or you're not getting anywhere.

I spent many hours mulling over names for my brand before I finally alighted on Plotting Possibility. I liked the alteration of it, and it seemed easy enough to remember. And I absolutely adored what it means to me.

As a writer, I work in plots and possibilities. But there's so much more here to unpack. To go on a journey, one plots a course. A farmer works a plot of land. There's intention for the journeyer and space for the cultivator. We're all writers and journeyers and farmers, whether or not we know it. Each of us has a story to tell. Each of us has to chart our course through life. Each of us has to choose what to sow so we can truly bloom where we're planted.

The possibilities in your life are rich and vibrant. Glittering possibility doesn't require a big paycheck or trips around the world or being well-connected. It requires the self-discipline to pull out of the social media hamster wheel and the economic rat race to actually enjoy life. It requires lovely thoughts, as our magical friend Peter Pan tells us, if we want to fly. It's all to do with imagination, wonder, and noticing beautiful things in the world all around.

It's my intention for  Plotting Possibility to be a space where imagination reigns supreme. Hope is in the very air we breathe here in this space. Wonder, enthusiasm, passion....all those lovelies that can't be measured....that's what we're trafficking in. This isn't reserved for the "artsy" types or those "creatives". Possibility and wonder are for us all; the right brained and the left brained; the Type As and the Type Bs; the Marilla Cuthberts and the Anne Shirleys. After all, God created the wonders of the world for all to enjoy. He designed each of us with intentional purpose and made us in His image so we can imagine, create, and plan. There isn't one personality type that isn't fit for His grace and love and Kingdom cause. We're all welcome to the table of His goodness. So, all are welcome here.

In future episodes, we'll talk about books, movies, music, the arts, mental health, friendship, and anything else that celebrates wonder and light. The possibilities are endless and I hope you'll join me for the journey!

Gather the Good

It's time to Gather the Good. 

I'll try to end every episode with a few good things I'm enjoying currently. I have to tell you, the phrase Gather the Good isn't my brainchild. I'm adopting it from the Irish band We Banjo 3. Its the name of one of their albums and I've always loved it. And it's exactly what I want to do for you. I want to gather up good things to share and enjoy together. [In the show notes I will provide links to the artist's website, Spotify albums, Good Reads pages, and links to stream or purchase as I can.]

So let's get started. 

I've been reading books by the English author Elizabeth Goudge lately. She warrants an entire episode once I wrap my head around all I want to say. But for now, let me recommend to you the novels City of Bells, The Scent of Water, and The Dean's Watch. Goudge writes with a passion for beauty but with honesty that being a human is hard. I find myself in each of her books, and walk away much encouraged. [Added note: Check your local library for Goudge's books. Some are out of print here in the US, but I found a good number of them through my library.]

If you want the perfect music to accompany your reading, listen to Joel Clarkson's instrumental albums Midwinter Carol's volumes one and two. These are also perfect for adding to your holiday playlists. And paired with Elizabeth Goudge, pure beauty for your senses! 

I'm still working my way through my favorite Christmas movies. Is it just me or has this December been moving at warp speed? Anyway, it's absolutely not Christmas if I don't get to see Muppets Christmas Carol and White Christmas. If you've never seen them, stop whatever you're doing and change that now. You'll be glad you did. Two other favorites of mine that are less well known are Never Say Goodbye which is a hilarious comedy with Errol Flynn, The Man Who Came To Dinner another laugh out loud comedy with Monty Wooly and Bette Davis. And last but not least, It's A Wonderful Life. I started it with my husband the other night and we had to stop it just as George Bailey starts to get desperate. I've been a huge Jimmy Stewart fan all my life, but last year was the first time this movie made me cry. It was the one-two punch, when Harry Bailey toasts his big brother as the richest man in town and Clarence the angel leaves George the note which reads "remember, no man is a failure who has friends." [Again, check your local library for titles particularly if you don't subscribe to streaming services]

So grab a couple friends, and gather the good!

10 Things I've Learned from Les Miserables

(Fair Warning: There will be plot spoilers so if you're unfamiliar, go rent/stream the 10th Anniversary Concert, the 25th Anniversary Concert, or the Hugh Jackman film and come back. Or, if you'd rather, here's a great synopsis.)

July 1994
On top of the Empire State Building

My backstory: 

I first saw Les Mis in 1994 with my dad on a hot summer's day in New York City. We were vacationing in relatively nearby Ocean City, New Jersey, and Dad took me up to the Big Apple for a day. I was nine-and-a-half years old. I remember on our drive into the city my dad explained two things to me. One, don't look at anyone in a raincoat because they might be a flasher (this stayed with me for years ). Two, for the purposes of seeing Les Mis, he had to explain prostitution. Of the two, the flasher thing was more traumatizing. I was wary of trench raincoats for years. 

I'm sure I barely understood what was happening in the show and I certainly didn't grasp the  profound themes of human nature, but something magical happened to me. Magic always happens with Les Mis and me. And on that hot July day, a spell was cast on me that has lingered for the last twenty-five years and shows no signs of fading. 

May 1998
7th Grade Choir Concert

When my dad purchased the three-disc complete symphonic recording I commandeered it and made it mine. Sorry, not sorry. I read the liner notes cover to cover multiple times. I learned about where the cast members were from and how they did the recording. And I poured over the lyrics to soak them up. I must've been about eleven or twelve by then. The second disc was my favorite. It had all of Eponine's songs. And I really loved me some Eponine. When I was thirteen, I got to sing "On My Own" for my first real solo at the seventh grade choir concert. I remember our director raising an eyebrow when I asked if I could, but he humored me and it remains one of the proudest moments in my personal history. (Incidentally, it's been twenty-two years and I can still sing every word with as much feeling and gusto as I did then. Probably more.)  

April 2011
Playhouse Square

Les Mis has a way of surfacing when I need it. As a teenager it gave me music for my emotions. As a twenty-something it was a declaration of the triumph of grace and light. As a worn out mom in my mid-thirties, it refills my cup with the fullness of music, story, and magic. I got to see the 2019 staged production in a cinema showing on my thirty-fifth birthday the other night. It was everything I needed and more.

The deep connection I've had with this show for twenty-five years has proven to be rich and enriching. I've grown up, like a little Cosette, with the story and songs of Les Miserables as a sort of soundtrack running in the background of my life. I certainly had no idea as a wide-eyed nine-year-old little girl of the gift I was given that summer day in New York City, but it's one I now hold very dear indeed. 

The lessons: 

The themes of grace, redemption, love, mercy, justice, friendship, comradeship, sacrifice, light, and dark didn't become clear to me until I hit adulthood. There are about as many themes as there are characters and scene changes in Les Miserables (so a lot). Every time I do a deep dive back into it I resurface with some new truth uncovered. Reading the novel enhanced that by about a billion. It's a hefty tome, but I recommend reading it at least once. The character development alone is enough reason to power through the girth. In the rest of this post, I'll share with you just ten lyrics that have taught me something or resonated deeply with me over the years.

1. To love another person is to see the face of God: This is hands-down my favorite lyric from any show or any song ever. And my favorite book of the Bible is 1 John. What in the world do these two things have in common? This verse right here, which I'm sharing in the Amplified translation because I like how full it is. "No one has seen God at any time. But if we love one another [with unselfish concern], God abides in us, and His love [the love that is His essence abides in us and] is completed and perfected in us." (1 John 4:12) Because God is love and mankind is made in His image when we love, we are showing Him to others, and seeing Him in the object of our love. It's not easy to remember. Unselfish love is not the typical knee-jerk reaction when we're wronged or have our patience tested, but it is the manifestation of God within us. This kind of love changes both the giver and the recipient. This kind of love is actually divine.  

2. "Another story must begin!": Okay, so honestly, I used to gloss over the beginning because I was all about the students later on. But then, as I grew older, I realized that the most incredible thing happens in the prologue. After Valjean is released from prison, he's treated abominably by people in the villages where he tries to make a life. Then, the kind old Bishop of Digne invites him to stay for the night. This scene is even more powerful in the book as Hugo tells us what the Bishop's servants think (Bishop be crazy) and how precious the silver really is to the Bishop. In the musical, we see Valjean marvel at the foolishness of the Bishop in trusting him as he steals the silver. He's caught and arrested (as a kid, I always thought maybe he wouldn't have been caught if he didn't sing about it so loudly. *shrug*) and brought back to the Bishop. Valjean has told his captors that the silver was a gift from the Bishop, and shockingly, he corroborates the story. In an act of heaping mercy, the Bishop also gifts Valjean the silver candlesticks which he had left behind. As he does he tells him that he must use the profit from selling the precious silver to become an honest man, that in his act of forgiveness and mercy, he is showing him God's love, and it must change his life. This single act of radical kindness changes the trajectory of Valjean's life which then in turn saves the lives of Cosette and later Marius. Because Valjean experiences the sacrificial, radical love of God through the Bishop, he has to grapple with his own sin and hatred. He recognizes that this is a crossroads. Does he allow himself to be changed by this love? Or does he cling to what he knows? For Jean Valjean, he must literally create a new identity and begin again, but I find this a brilliant example of how we are all made new in Christ. Valjean becomes a new creation through redemptive love and mercy, and although we aren't convicts fresh off the chain gang, we too must be made new in Christ. And in that new identity, there is freedom to love and forgive generously.

3. "Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise." : Darkness doesn't get to win; light is always the victor in the end. This line is taken from the epilogue, when all the characters who have died return as a somewhat ghostly chorus. It begins very softly and faintly, but it is "the music of a people who are climbing to the light." By the time the last notes ring out, it's a full fanfare about the victory that's promised "when tomorrow comes." I am one who often has to climb to the light. To put it as simply as I can, depression is hell. When I'm experiencing depression, it cuts off all that is good, healthy, and light from my experience. I know it's out there, but I can't reach it. I can't make it mine. Still, I climb for the light not just because I know it's there, but because I am a child of God. There's a fullness of life that is my birthright now. It is absolutely worth the struggle--I am worth the struggle--to fight the darkness of the night, and sing as the sun rises.

4."It is time for us all to decide who we are...": Very recently I realized how intensely devoted almost every character is to something or someone, and they each have a point at which they're willing to die for it. Fantine is desperately devoted to the well-being of her beloved child. Javert is devoted obsessed with justice; Enjorlas with equality and freedom. Grantaire is devoted to both wine and his friendship with Enjorlas (usually in that order). Eponine is devoted to Marius. Marius is devoted to both the cause of equality and to his new found love, Cosette, and ballads passionately about the conflict. Cosette is devoted to her father and to Marius. And Jean Valjean, the star, he's devoted to loving and protecting Cosette, and honoring God and using every bit of the redemptive grace he was given for the good of others. Devotion abounds, people, it's dripping off the walls. It's probably embarrassing it took me two and a half decades to really notice it. (continued in #5)

5. "We're the ones who make it in the end." : The exception to all this devotion is the Thernadiers who care only for themselves and self-preservation. The contrast, in fact, is startling. As they tell us, they're the ones who make it in the end.  And they're right. Spoiler: by the time the curtain falls, only four characters are still alive--the young lovers, Marius and Cosette, and the stinking Thernadiers. But what is the survival of the Thernadiers for? Their legacy is worthless. Utterly and entirely worthless because it only serves themselves and their good fortune is only ever temporary. On the other hand, the lives and sacrifices of (almost) all the others are beautiful. To love deeply and truly, and to be devoted sincerely to an ideal gives meaning to their lives and purpose in their legacy. The love, friendship, and devotion can carry Marius and Cosette into their future together infused with strength of those they've lost. Which prompts me to consider my convictions, my personal sacrifices, and the legacy I'm crafting. A legacy doesn't just pop up upon death, instead, it's the culmination of things cultivated in life. What do I believe in passionately? Who do I love unselfishly and sacrificially? What foundation am I crafting for those who will carry on when my time has passed? If my life is all about me, it's worthless. If my love stops just short of sacrificial, it's incomplete. If my convictions run dry when tested, they don't have much value

6. "My heart is stone and still it trembles.": There is one more exception to this devotion rule. Javert's obsession with justice ends up being the end of him. And try as I might, I can't find anything redemptive about it. Instead, what I learn is that mercy is a polarizing thing. It either changes you or it hardens you. Case in point? Inspector Javert. Over the years, I've come to see his suicide as one of the saddest parts in the show. Michael Ball's recent performance as the inspector definitely aided in that sympathy. But the heartbreaking thing about Javert is his deep misunderstanding of God, the law, and humanity. When he's offered mercy, it breaks him. The same act that set Valjean free to live a redeemed life, condemns Javert to suicide. His devotion to justice crowds out any room for mercy. His intense distrust for mankind pushes away any connection he might make. His legalistic understanding of salvation leaves him without any place for the love of Christ. He's a strong contender for the most tragic figure I've ever encountered in a musical.

7. "In my need, you have always been there.": If "Bring Him Home" isn't one of the most emotional songs in a musical, then I don't know what is. And here's the thing, in the musical, it sorta gets lost that Valjean marches his self to the barricade hell-bent on killing Marius after he intercepts the love letter to Cosette. Then, he's so impressed with Marius that he ends up saving his life. But in the musical, since this is the way musicals work, we get this incredible song. The whole thing is a prayer in which Valjean wholly recognizes that it's all in God's hands. I personally really love this lyric because I know that in my own life, God has always been there. Through heartaches and trauma and grief, God has never left me. That doesn't mean I've always gotten my way or that life is just sunshine and roses. Go back and re-read that line about heartache and trauma and grief. Life is life and sometimes it knocks the wind right out of you. And yet God remains steadfast, and I can always call on Him. I also like that God's way of answering Valjean's prayer is to make him an active participant in making it so. Marius isn't miraculously spared from any injury; instead Valjean carries him through sewers and pleads with Javert to give the boy a fighting chance to live. And, in my experience, God's answers to prayers usually require us to step up and do something too.

8. "This rain will wash away what's past...and rain will make the flowers grow.": Major spoiler: This is the heart wrenching moment between Marius and Eponine when she finally feels the warmth of his embrace and love as she dies in his arms. It's rough. Yet there is something so poignant and hopeful about Eponine. Unlike her parents, the Thernadiers, she's not bitter, covetous, and nasty. Eponine takes her hardships in stride, constantly imagining what could be and giving of herself to an absolute fault. In this song, she tells us that rain is really okay. That sorrow can lead to healing, that darkness precedes light. And rain is actually life-giving. Without it flowers don't bloom, trees wither, fields die from want of water. How too we humans blossom and grow with rain, even if we think all we really want is sunny days without the challenges of clouds and storms. The truth is, if we want beauty and strength, we must accept also what is bleak and hard. 

9. "I will never go away and we will be together every day.": Okay, full disclosure, I used to make fun of this line. Like, okay, Cosette, literally all of Marius' friends have just senselessly died, but it's alright because you exist. That's not narcissistic at all, sweetie. But I was terribly wrong about Cosette! What she's doing in this moment is drawing Marius from the edge of despair. He has survivor's guilt and is deeply grieving his friends. Grief is important. He must grieve, he should grieve. But he can not stay there, it will consume him. And Cosette knows this. With gentleness and hope, she helps him recall that his life has meaning, and that there is love in it. Love, as we have already seen, is a very powerful thing. Love and hope have the strength to pull us back from the edge of darkest despair.

10. "Take my hand, I'll lead you to salvation. Take my love for love is everlasting.": Les Mis shows us the vital importance of human connection, tenderness, and friendship. Without it we become narrow-minded, self-serving, and cruel. In the absence of love and mercy, only brutality and depravity can grow. Yet when love and mercy are given, hope is born. And out of hope, all manner of new life begins. Kindness, gentleness, sacrificial love, honor, and integrity blossom and take deep root. In friendship and camaraderie, there is strength to stand in the darkness and proclaim the light. It is love that lasts forever and ever. "And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:13)

And if you made it to the end....here's a special treat! I've been binge-watching this clip for about a week now. Michael Ball and Bradley Jaden singing a duet version of "Stars". It's pretty fantastic. 

I Don't Have A Picture Book Problem (Gather the Good)

Last year, or maybe the year before, I was hauling all of my Christmas picture books out of storage, and I thought to myself, "Self, you might have a problem." It's not that the books weighed too much or the box was falling apart; this is more of an addiction type problem. I kinda sorta have a lot of Christmas picture books. So, I combed through them all and found like three I could safely discard without regretting it. I don't even remember them, so clearly, I made okay choices here. And then I decided that I, in fact, do not have problem. A penchant for Christmas picture books is a pretty low-key addiction. And if someone is going to judge me based on how many I have, well, that person should maybe get a life. Or a library card and go check out some Christmas picture books. You literally cannot have a bad time reading a beautifully illustrated book with a wintry or holiday theme.

This year we decided to count them. My

seven year old son laid them all out across the living room floor. We started with the non-religious ones first since we have more of those. I used to feel kinda bad about that. As a Christian, we really do keep Jesus the focus of our Christmas season, even though we still "believe" in Santa and all that sparkly North Pole magic. Again, I pointed out to myself that many of those non-religious books have nothing to do with Santa at all. Trees, snowstorms, mice, bears, chimney sweeps, Frosty, lighthouses, old-fashioned celebrations, and so on and so forth. It's not like a book automatically has Santa in it, just because it doesn't have Jesus. So there. (You can tell that I argue with my subconscious a lot. It can be a real nag sometimes). 

Anyway, the counting. He set them all out and we remarked at how many there are. My husband came home in the middle of this and looked at me like perhaps I have a problem, but he didn't say anything out loud. We decided to keep going and set out all the religious ones too. At this point, I figured I should catalog the collection so I stop buying duplicates (oops). 

Then someone knocked on our front door and the dog lost his mind and skidded through all the books. The musical ones started playing, my son started screeching about how the dog messed them up, and my daughter ran to the window with the dog (tripping over a basket of Legos and adding to the melee). That's really neither here nor there about the collection, but it paints a good picture of daily life in our home. 

So, after we straightened the books a little and the dog regained his senses, I sat down on the floor and started to type. And it turns out we have 101 Christmas picture books.....not including my The Night Before Christmas collection my parents started when I was a baby. I get at least one every year on my birthday and have all my life. It's safe to say there's 50-75 (even though my 35th birthday is just next week!) in that collection. I'll count and catalog when I get them out later. 

As if that's not enough, I just checked out a bunch more from the library! I seem to have an insatiable thirst for these books. I love a good picture book, just in general. From Miss Rumphius to Charlie the Ranch Dog to Corduroy to Finding Winnie, I absolutely adore children's books. Maybe it's the boiled down storytelling that somehow doesn't skimp on illustrative language, or the pictures themselves, or perhaps it's the cozy feeling I get from reading a book that is a friend for children. Truthfully, we own several hundred picture books all told, and I'm not here to apologize for it. Books are truly magical things and I want them at the ready all over our house. 

And Christmas ones seem to contain an extra helping of that magic. There's enchantment in these stories about miracles and magic. There's warmth in stories of friendship, generosity, and love. I think that sometimes, for grown-ups, there's something so slippery and elusive about the Spirit of Christmas. We can hold it in the palm of our hands for a moment, and then, it's gone. Like a firefly or a snowflake. We lose it in that hustle and bustle. We try so hard to manufacture the magic, that sometimes, the spirit of Christmas gets choked out. But books help us hold that more concretely. Book don't ever change on us unexpectedly. They don't demand much of us. They don't get hacked up for commercial breaks. And books that only appear once a year remain particularly special, sweet, and memorable. 

Maybe that's what I love most about books, picture books, and Christmas picture books. There's memories to find in the pages. Sharing them with my children is an obvious memory maker. We snuggle up in Christmas forts (i.e. throwing a Christmas table cloth over some chairs), we huddle around candlelight, we plunk down on the couch, and we read, read, read. If you don't have little ones, read anyway. Read to your big kids. Read to yourself. Notice what memories come back, notice the feeling that you get, notice the wonder that's hidden in the printed pages. It's there, I promise you. Just find the right book! 

Here are some of our favorites from our personal collection. 

Non-Religious

1. Papa's Christmas Gift: Around the World on the Night Before Christmas (Cheryl Harness)
2. The Visit: The Delightful History and Origin of the Night Before Christmas (Mark Kimball Moulton)
3. The Barnyard Night Before Christmas (Beth Terrill)
4. A Book of Christmas (Tasha Tudor)
5. The Christmas We Moved to the Barn (Alexandra Day)
6. Lighthouse Christmas (Toni Buzzeo)
7. Christmas Farm (Mary Lynn Ray)
8. Christmas Magic (Michael Garland)
9. Who Will Guide My Sleight Tonight? (Jerry Pollotta)
10. Ben's Christmas Carol (Toby Forward) 

You'll notice a sort of Night Before Christmas theme in that list, but I'll do a separate post with some of my favorites. They're not all created equal. Some of them are abridged. *Gasp* The horror! 

Okay, back to recommendations. 

Religious

1. Mortimer's Christmas Manger (Karma Wilson)
2. Santa's Favorite Story (Hisako Aoki)
3. The Christmas Fox (Anik McGrory)
4. Room for a Little One (Martin Waddell)
5. As We Saw It (Tessa Colina) *this one was my mother's so check www.bookfinder.com if you want to track down a copy
6. The Nativity: Mary Remembers (Laurie Knowlton)
7. The Legend of the Candy Cane (Lori Walberg)
8. Come and See (Monica Mayper)
9. A Night the Stars Danced for Joy (Bob Hartman)
10. Christmas in the Barn (Margaret Wise Brown)

I'm tempted to give you a third list of books we love from the library (that I really want for my collection), but the kids and I have started a rating system for library books. We each have a total of two stars we can give each book we read for a grand total of six stars. This way, I can look back over our lists and see which books we really loved, which were okay, which to not bother checking out again. So, after we read our library selections and score them, I'll share that list. I'll even include how many stars each book earned! 

Well, okay then. You now either think I'm a Christmas nut who should stay away from library book sales, or you're inspired to go read some picture books yourself. In any case, I'm off to enjoy some delicious vanilla mint green tea and read before bed. Happy reading!! 

Then He Smiled At Me (Gather the Good)

If you had asked my feelings on the song "Little Drummer Boy" at any point in my life before 2007 I would've told you that it is my very least favorite Christmas song and it's ugly and I hate it. I had very strong feelings against this piece of music. Why? Two reasons. The horrid chorale version with the operatic first sopranos singing it without any feeling at all. And Rob and Laura Petrie's annoying little boy, Richie, sang it in one of the holiday episodes (and since I'm an old soul and the Dick Van Dyke Show has been one of my favorite shows since forever this was a big reason). Just yuck times yuck equals yuck, got it? No "Little Drummer Boy" for me, thanks!

So then you must be asking yourself what happened in 2007 that changed my mind. I'll tell you. Josh Groban released his Christmas Album Noel. Total transparency here: this album makes me cry every single bleedin' time I listen to it. It's been twelve years, folks, and I'm still crying. He's got a version of "Silent Night" that's absolutely perfect, and "I'll Be Home For Christmas" makes me want to sob, and he ends with this amazing full choral and organ version of  "O, Come All Ye Faithful" that's just churchy and thrilling all at once. The man knows how to sing a good Christmas song. Thus, it was his version of "Little Drummer Boy" that first broke through all my seasoned prejudice against it and revealed the sweet tenderness and beauty of this song.

I suppose, the story had gotten lost in those other versions. Robot sopranos don't exactly spin a great yarn about
a poor little boy eager to see a most special and holy baby with nothing to bring but an earnest and exuberant drum solo. And yeah, sure, in real life, no mother wants a little boy rocking out while her newborn tries to sleep. But set that aside and enjoy the narrative. After all, it's basically the story of what we have to offer the Christ Child.

"I am a poor boy too....I played my best for him....Then he smiled at me...."

The King of Kings, the Creator of all the Universe, the Keeper of every star, and the Master of all, arrived on our dusty, grubby planet as a very poor little baby. He experienced a level of poverty that I never have, and more than likely, never will. And yet, I am a poor girl, too. Poor in spirit. Without the Christ Child, I am as impoverished as it is possible to be. Praise be, it's not my best that earns His favor and thereby, salvation. He purchased my path to spiritual upward mobility with His own blood and sacrifice about thirty-three years after His birth on a wretched cross. That's why I give Him my best. Oh, believe me, my best is worth about as much as that poorly timed drum solo from the little boy. But it's what I have to give Him as an expression of thanks and awe and love. The best of my heart, the best of my attitude, the best of my thoughts, the best of my efforts, the best of my dreams, the best of my abilities....I'm also prone to forget and get lazy and self-centered, and need reminded of my poverty, my salvation, and have my best efforts renewed. Sometimes that comes in quiet contemplation and scripture reading, sometimes through a sermon, and sometimes in a song.

Below is a bulleted list of some of my favorite versions of "Little Drummer Boy".

• Josh Groban, "Little Drummer Boy", Noel
• Vince Guaraldi Trio, "My Little Drum", A Charlie Brown Christmas
• Bing Crosby & David Bowie, "Peace on Earth/ Little Drummer Boy", Bing at Christmas
• For King and Country, "Little Drummer Boy", Into the Silent Night 
• Mannheim Steamroller, "Little Drummer Boy", A Fresh Aire Christmas 

And check out this electric performance by For King and Country. Watch for the mic drop at the end (it's not what you think when I say 'mic drop').